Shadows

"Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? ps 42:5 a

I am so glad I have been canning when I am able. Several days this month, we have had to rely on jars from the pantry as I experience painful flares that just won’t let go. I have been fortunate that some afternoons, the pain eases up for a few hours and I am somewhat functional until bedtime. Then the cycle of pain begins again. This has been a really difficult year to date. Most of it has been spent agonizing and feeling crushed under the heel of this disease. Depression has been a frequent visitor and it gets more and more difficult to evict him from my heart and home.

I have always lived an isolated life. I was raised pretty much apart from my siblings as they were so much older, they were out of the house by the time I really needed them. At the same time, my folks divorced and my grandfather, to whom I was very close, moved to a “retirement village”. I never really knew any other life than being somewhat solitary. That has always been all right with me. I love my family and the few friends I have made. My days have nearly always been spent alone, working horses or down cleaning the barn  until we moved here to the ranch. I finally had someone to ride with and loved what we were doing, moving cows, covering miles of scenic country everyday, learning the things I had always wanted to learn, but it didn’t last long before I lost the ability to do what I most loved and was once again, alone for most of my waking hours. 

I contented myself with a milk cow, goats and sheep and learning new skills, looking forward to the days I'd be strong enough to ride. I committed myself to baking all of our breads and making all of our dairy products,  growing most of our vegetables and canning produce and meals. The best and most important part of my day is  spent with the animals, as I have never been an inside, ‘domestic’ person and even being a loner, I still need affection and companionship.  All my life I have had a need to be outside, doing something. That isn’t possible anymore. I'm relegated to the house more and more. My greatest fear is the day I have to let go of all my animals because I can no longer care for, or interact with them.

I had a serious back injury in 1989 and after surgery, the recovery was long and grueling, but I knew I WOULD recover. I did recover. I fought through the pain and weakness, with sweat and tears and I broke and trained horses for another 15 years and produced some of my best work.

As these autoimmune issues began to manifest themselves, I lost more and more function. I vowed to make another comeback, I fought to get stronger, but mind over matter doesn’t always work out like we hope. Denial has passed and I accept I have a degenerative, incurable disease that is quickly progressing, doing permanent damage and ravaging my body. It’s painful as well as debilitating. I don’t have the incentive of knowing I can beat it, this time. I don’t have the hope that I will ever recover, because I won’t. Not on this side of heaven.

As the barometric pressure has jumped and bounced all this winter I have had the sensation of being beaten, again and again. It becomes very hard to ‘keep my chin up’, as they say.

As the pain and reality become overwhelming, I feel the absence of someone to talk to, someone who could listen, someone to touch. Someone to share the cries of my heart.

I appreciate all of you online who pray for me.  It really does help, knowing there are people who stand in the gap.

I apologize as this is not what I consider an ‘edifying’ entry. Sometimes a person just has to pour out how they feel, even if it isn’t pretty.

 For those who also suffer, know you are not alone. 

For those who know someone suffering, I hope you can understand how much they need your support. Not your suggestions, or the latest ‘miracle cure’. They don't need to be told how they should change their diet, or exercise. We’re doing all we can just to survive. Don’t for one minute assume there isn’t something we haven't tried, or would be doing if we were able. I’ve heard of people being told by friends and family they should stop taking the radical medications prescribed for us, because they are dangerous and don’t seem to do much good. Please understand that the only hope we have in taking these medications is to try and slow down the destruction and hopefully prolong our lives. None of them will cure us. Not taking them will almost surely shorten our life as so many of these diseases, such as this one, attack soft tissue, and organs as well as joints. Sometimes a shortened life seems like a better option, if it wasn’t so much more painful without the medications. Chronic pain is chronic. It's invisible and some days it doesn't wield the power that it can, but it is always ready to rear up and strike us down again. In my experience, every episode is more intensely painful than the last.

Encourage your person. Be there to let them cry. Listen. Love them. Help them. That is all you can do.

Help them hang on until the shadow passes.

"Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him for the help of his countenance." ps 42:5 b

Pressure to Simplify

“The ants are a people not strong, yet they prepare their food in summer” prov 30:25

The reality of living with incurable autoimmune conditions, is something that is definitely a catalyst for change. Some are good changes, others, not so much. One thing I have learned is that there will be good days and days that are so debilitating, I can do nothing. Lately, there have been more of the latter than the former. So it is against those days for which I must prepare. It isn’t a HUGE departure from things I do anyway, but there is incentive and more of a plan to what I will do. 

Sharing with some of you who experience the same kind of limitations and challenges is what this blog entry is about. But not just for those of us who have limitations, but also those who have limited free time, like working moms even.

Primarily, I am the one who cooks the meals and living as far from town as we do, pretty much everything is made from scratch. That means baking all the breads, making dairy products and canning food. Therefore, that’s what I spend a lot of my time doing on a ‘good’ day. I bake bread ahead of time and slice and freeze it so we can just grab a few slices when we need. I wrap it in plastic wrap then foil and it thaws out like fresh. I always double the recipe when making waffles and freeze the extras for a quick breakfast with a tasty whole wheat waffle as opposed to spending hard earned cash on L’eggo’s which aren’t nearly as good.

I’m a big believer in gadgets and things that simplify my life and save me time. I have large water troughs for the animals that only need filling once a week instead of daily. I have automatic feeder for my chickens and dogs (not all dogs do well on this, but ours do).

Having a garden is something I do, but the garden goes on a drip system which is run by automatic timers (operated by battery and not all that costly). Because I like fresh food and because I don’t like wasting money or buying substandard ingredients, I took up canning.  But now my canning has a purpose beyond just preserving food. I can to ensure that on days I simply cannot feed us, there are meals available. This is pretty easily done, really and I actually enjoy it more than just canning up the regular stuff...tomatoes, jams and fruits. (Let’s not forget making that pie filling so pouring a jar into a crust and baking it gives a quick and tasty dessert!)

I pressure can appropriate foods instead of freezing them, when I am able. That way there is enough room for our beef, lamb, chicken and venison and in the case of freezer failure, less food is going to be lost. There is also something very comforting about seeing jars and jars of food on my pantry shelves.

Lots of people are afraid of pressure canners. There is no need to be. To begin with, there are foods that can be “water bath” canned and others that require a pressure canner. High acid foods like tomatoes and jams/jellies are usually done in a water bath environment. When water bath canning, altitude adjustments are made by lengthening the TIME an item is in the canner.  With pressure canning  the altitude adjustments are usually made in the pounds of pressure. There are charts in most canning books as well as online for how long something needs to remain in the canner and the psi for your altitude. It’s very important to follow the directions about stopping the canning process. When to remove the pot lid, how soon to lift out the jars, allow the internal and external pressure to equalize and make sure your jars seal properly.

The procedure is really pretty easy. Decide what you are going to can and get it prepared. Most things are canned hot. A few can be canned cold or 'raw pack' such as chicken, but you will get that information and the details out of your canning book, which I recommend everyone have. It's been invaluable to me and there is no point in preserving your food unless you are going to make sure it is safe for consumption.

Grab your materials. This would be your:

Pressure canner (and weight, if yours is like mine)

rack

jar grabber

magnet

canning funnel

plastic knife thingy for getting air out

white vinegar and a paper towel

jars

lids & rings ( I love the Tattler reusable lids)

and I use a placemat to put everything on once it is sterilized and to set the hot jars on when done so the glass doesn't crack.

• Sterilize  jars, either in the dishwasher, or boil/steam them in the canner
• Fill to the recommended level, wipe the rims with papertowel dipped in white vinegar to prevent any food or oil on rim causing a seal failure.
• Put on your lids and if using 2 piece metal lids, tighten finger tight.
• *If using the plastic tattler reusable lids, only tighten enough for the ring to catch the threads. These have to be much looser in the canner to seal properly.
• Set the jars in/on the rack. Never place them directly on the pot bottom or they will shatter from heat induction.
• Make sure the water is at the proper level per your canner's instructions
• I put a touch of white vinegar or cream of tartar in the water to prevent the aluminum from discoloring. It also helps remove the blackness if you didn't do it last time.
• Set the lid on and tighten it so it is sealed.
• Let it 'vent' for 10 minutes. (It is much, much easier than listening to someone else vent, although nearly as monotonous)
• Set your weight on it's little jiggly post.
• Once the weight begins to jiggle, adjust your heat so it is jiggling at a rhythmical cadence...now there is a strange word to spell. Rhythmical. Honestly, who makes these decisions anyway???
• Pull yourself together.
• Set the timer.
• Once the timer goes off, turn off the heat.
• When  the pressure plug drops, remove the weight, usually for 2 minutes.*your recipe will tell you*
• Remove the lid and usually wait another 5 minutes for jars to pressurize properly
• Remove jars to placemat.
• Re-tighten lids and be SURE to tighten the tattler lids now.
• Let sit 24 hours.
• Remove rings, check for seal
• Mark jars what they are and put on date. I no longer use the paper labels as they are too much work to remove. Instead I write on the jar with a permanent marker which washes off easily before using again.

Done! Nothing terribly difficult there. I just double or triple a recipe I was going to make anyway, and can what is left over. This way I really only have to make that dish once a year. It frees me up to do other things.

The resource that I use the most is Ball’s Complete Book of Home Preserving. It has all the information you need on both water bath and pressure canning and 400 recipes to boot. Most of them I have tried are great.

If I were to start over, I would purchase an “All American” pressure canner. In fact, it’s on my wish list. It is definitely an investment. There aren’t going to be problems with getting your canner loaded and finding out your seal is bad and having to wait a week or more for a new one...which is something I have some experience with. Just try eating 7 quarts of the same something in less than a week! Freezing for me, is not usually a favorable option, as we have 3 freezers full. Space is at a premium here. The All American is a higher quality canner. I currently have a different canner which was a thoughtful gift from my step mom. It’s done an excellent job so far with the exception of needing replacement parts now and then. 

You could use your pressure cooker for water bath canning as well, if you have a regular lid that fits it. I just chose to buy one of the inexpensive graniteware canning pots so I don’t confuse myself and pressure process something by accident, which again, I have done, as my brain rarely remains on what I am doing at the moment and tends to wander off to greener pastures a lot, leaving me to do the work all by myself. You are able to cook in your pressure canner, but you can’t can in your pressure cooker. I don’t pressure cook much stuff, and personally, since the canner I have is made of aluminum, I wouldn’t cook in it anyway. Just my thoughts on it.

Some of our favorite soups: (I have put in clickable links to the recipes)

Ham&Potato Soup

Lamb and Barley Soup

SplitPea&Ham Soup

Chicken Tortilla Soup

Cheesy Chicken Chowder

We have made great use of canned French Beef Dip this year. It’s very easy to do. I just put two big cheap roasts in a crock pot after cutting off the fat, add all the seasonings and let it cook down until the meat is tender. Then I fill the sterilized canning jars with meat and the au jus and process it. For a quick meal we have just pulled a jar off the pantry shelf, heated it in the micro wave and stuffed it in french rolls.The au jus from it is amazing. Have a side salad and you are good to go! Another meat I have happily canned this year is pulled pork or kalua pig. It’s delicious heated up on a french roll, or cooked up in a breakfast burrito, or mixed with BBQ sauce for a BBQ sandwich...you get the picture.

We’ve had several chickens that needed to be culled. Typically, older hens or rooster tend to be very tough and stringy, albeit tasty and full of flavor. You can often find chicken quarters on sale. Canning them would save you a lot of money. The easiest way to make use of them is to separate the drumstick and thighs, put them in a jar bone in, fill it with hot broth and can it. Same thing with the breasts. It becomes a tender, deeply flavored shredded chicken that is ready to be used in your casseroles, or taco salads, or whatever you like to do with shredded chicken. There are hundreds of things I can think of. It's just another great thing to have on hand.

This week I canned up a double batch of meatballs. I canned them in spaghetti sauce so we can have meatball sandwiches in a snap. I'll can some more in broth to use in albondigas soup or swedish meatballs. The neat thing is, we don’t have to use any of these for a year or more, but it's there whenever I want something quick and easy. This makes living with RA quite a lot more tolerable for me. I think this would make life a lot easier for many of you, as well. 

I try to can SOMETHING every week or two if I feel good. I always have left over chicken carcases and beef soup bones in the freezer waiting to become stock, if nothing else. Stews, chili, fruit for pies, there is always something that you can jar up and make good use of. I even can potatoes. I buy a big bag whenever we go to the store but with just 2 of us, I rarely can use them all, so into the can they go. It's quick to make fried potatoes then, or roast them with butter and herbs, or heat and mash them. If someone shows up for dinner unexpectedly (which doesn't happen very often here anymore) all you need to do is grab another jar.

I hope all  of us, who suffer or not, are able to look ahead and see how life can be both amplified and simplified with just a few easy steps. I try to do what I can and that which I cannot, I try to leave in the Lord's hands.  "Try", being the key word, as, like most women, I tend to be a bit of a control freak. Yes, I said it. Maybe in my case, that's what this disability is all about. Learning how to trust.

I've been flat on my back most of this week and I can sure appreciate the time I spent earlier doing this.

Do you have things you can share, that make life simpler? 

My kitchen in Christmas past, which is probably the last time it was this clean...just sayin'....


"Nothing is better for a man than that he should eat and drink, and that his soul should enjoy good in his labor. This also, I saw, was from the hand of God.   Eccl. 2:24

Of Agony and Ecstasy

“For His anger is but for a moment, but His favor is for life. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning” psalm 30:5

Mornings aren’t really my best time of day, but I can sometimes tell if the pain has lessened when I first wake up. It’s just typical of this disease to be unusually stiff and swollen on waking. I hate to get up as it hurts to use my body but that is what it takes to get the swelling to go down and relieve some of the pressure.

It was a roller coaster of a week. The weather was up and down which played havoc with my autoimmune issues, sometimes causing intense pain. One day I would be totally disabled, the next, moderately functional. I’m grateful that the better days coincided with the days Annie and the sheep decided to lamb. It enabled me to be there in case they had trouble and to iodine the navels of the newborns to prevent bacteria from traveling up the cord and causing joint or navel ill which can be fatal. The highlight of my days is to watch the babies skipping and jumping and crawling all over their mamas.

Thursday evening I intensely wanted to ride my horse, because Randyman finally fixed a gate so I could actually open and close it by myself. It's been close to 8 months since I've been able to do what I once spent a lifetime doing all day and loving every minute of it. I had a dream job. 

I awoke Friday morning with less pain, but more weakness and fatigue. I decided to drag myself out and bring Mister in anyway, even if just to brush him. I needed to be around him. 

I was able to groom him without much trouble and took him out back into the sheep pasture with a longe line as it was the least slippery spot I could find. He ran and bucked and jumped and played, slipped and scooted around. Not bad for an old man. I was glad I hadn’t been up to saddling up and riding him because with my balance issues now, it would have been another disaster. The Maremma pups showed up. They laid down where they could still see the lambs but kept a penetrating eye on Mister, challenging him to dare try doing anything they perceived might endanger me. I figured it would take a few days to work the kinks out of my old horse, but didn’t mind as long as I could be in his company. I took him back to the corral and brushed him down good and returned him to his pasture. 

I got back to the house energized and ready to do things. I honestly think the smell of horse sweat must be like crack. I felt better than I have felt in a year. I cleaned house, pruned fruit trees, covered garlic and strawberry plants to protect from the chickens, made sour cream and clabber and put on a leg of lamb for dinner. I still had energy to go play with the lambs and was even able to do dishes that evening. All day my face hurt from smiling, it was so great to feel good again. All day I was joyfully thanking God for the experience.

The next morning I felt tired again, but the pain levels were surprisingly way down still. I assumed I would 'pay' for overdoing it and I went to get Mister and he was moving slowly and stiffly, like myself. I laughed and agreed with him that getting old really does suck. I put him on a line and he had no inclination of bucking, running or even moving. (bwahahahaha!) Deciding it was best for him as well as for me to stretch out the sore muscles, I rode him for about an hour in the corral, mostly walking, just working on lateral movements, foot placement and verbal cues. It felt so good.

Now this morning, the pain is back in full force along with another storm. But I had two fabulous days and I know that more are coming my way. Maybe even tomorrow.

There are a thousand things I used to do daily, that I took for granted. Now they are precious rarities. But when I could take them for granted, I often found myself discontent and dissatisfied because of OTHER things I could not do. Always reaching, always wanting more, I set myself up for a great deal of disappointment and strife. If my condition has brought me suffering, it has also brought me clarity. In the book of Philippians 4:11, Paul said “...I have learned in whatever state I am in, to be content...”

Contentedness is not something that happens to us, but something we LEARN. It is often in the fire of affliction that our eyes are opened to what actually surrounds us and is provided for us and we learn to be grateful. A grateful heart is a happy heart because gratitude and discontent cannot occupy the same space.

There are so many examples of people who have walked through this world missing much of the joy of life until they, ie: survived cancer, had an accident, lost a loved one...went into the refiner’s fire and had a epiphany of some kind. After they suffered the pain and loss their eyes were opened to the world around them and the many wonders it contains. Sadly, we don't always chose to let this be the result of our trials, but God's purpose is always redemptive and He does bring beauty out of the ashes.

This disease I would give up in a minute, but the lessons I have learned and the awareness it has brought to me, the depth of life, the awareness of colors, smell, textures, beauty, wonder...never. 

And there will be more glorious days. 

The simple things have become priceless and no longer to be disregarded or taken for granted. All of life, even the difficult side, is richer.

So, for that, I am grateful.

“I come that they may have life,and that they may have it more abundantly”

Pain Is Not Permanent

“...whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and it there is anything praiseworthy, think on these things...”

Phillipians 4:8

I woke up in the morning wracked with pain. Every joint, every muscle in agony as I went from the chair I’ve had to sleep in, to the bathroom. Heading back out, I knew I couldn’t manage the trip back to the living room. I painfully climbed into bed, but was unable to pull the blankets over me, as my hands were unusable. Randy, seeing my plight, tossed them over me on his way out in the morning.

An hour or so later I ventured to get up again. Only slightly stronger, I shuffled to the kitchen for coffee unable to cope with the painful sensation of my feet rising and falling on the floor. As snowflakes fall silently outside the window I sip my coffee and appreciate the heat radiating from my cup to my aching hands. This is not the life I bargained for.

If I look in the mirror, I won’t recognize the woman looking back at me. The puffy, overweight, lumbering mess isn’t the quick moving, athletic over achiever I have always been. These aren’t my hands, puffy, swollen, stiff with papery skin. Those aren’t my clothes in the closet, they are made for someone larger. I don’t want to see anyone, and I don’t want to be seen. I drown in misery, tears falling freely. 

Agitated, I pick up my Bible and start to read. I’m graciously reminded that I didn’t ‘bargain’ for anything. My life is a gift, both the the triumphs on the mountain peaks and the darkest places in the valleys. The journey I have been on is my own, but I am not alone. There are many who take it with me, some competing against me, others cheering me on, and yet others who just share the joys and pains of this place on the path, this space in my life. But there is also One who has walked alongside me the entire way. He’s been this way before and knows the pitfalls and dangers I will face, someone who has been to far more painful depths and knows also the ultimate heights of joy. He doesn’t always carry me, but usually lets me choose my own way, sometimes stumbling, sometimes running freely. When I fall headlong and sputter and spit dirt of failure out of my mouth, sometimes I am overcome with rage, or with sorrow. But soon I push past it and cry out for help, or simply raise my eyes and always, I find He is there, a Holy hand stretched out, ready to help me up again. This has been such a day.

One of the Maremmas pushes his head up under my elbow and gently rests his head on my leg. Often the hands and feet and heart of Jesus come to me wrapped in fur. With eyes full of concern and compassion he looks at me and touches his cold wet nose to my tear dampened cheek. I hug him and it feels better, even hurting. 

I push through the pain and this morning I am rewarded by it. The world awaits outside and there are new baby lambs, baby goats to marvel at. The miracle of life unfolds before me even as mine seems to fade. This day will get better, even if tomorrow does not. Each step of this journey brings me to a new and renewed life, one that will not be full of pain. I will see lost loved ones and best of all I will see HIM face to face. I can do this. I’m not the first, but I am also not the weakest. I can do this. I can keep walking until I too, reach Home.

There is much I can do. Milk to process, cheese to make. It will take some effort but it will be worth it. I have to keep trying and pushing forward.

The sun is breaking through the clouds even now and I can see my way and I am strengthened. I know who I am, because I know who He is. For now, that is enough.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness”. -2 Cor 12:9

Joy in the Little Things

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” Matt 5:3

Lately it seems turmeric tabs have really been helping me. I still had a little flare when the last storm hit but nothing like I usually experience and certainly nothing close to what I went through in December and January. I tried backing off of carbs and gluten but not only did it not help the inflammation, I started feeling really lousy. I’m sure it helps some people, but clearly, it isn’t the answer for everybody and definitely not for me. So back to regular eating and staying on the turmeric. Just as well. I hated watching everyone else eat my cinnamon rolls while I had an apple at breakfast.

As I had mentioned in an earlier post, there are several things that can trigger a flare. Stress and emotional conflict are usually right at the forefront, outside of barometric changes for me. As many of you know, my father recently passed away. It was devastating to our family. I was closer to dad than I was to my brothers and sisters due to a gap in ages, so I am still trying to adjust to the idea he is not going to be there anymore. I still haven’t gotten used to Mom being gone. Being an orphan sucks, I don’t care how old you are.

The weather has been improving. It’s been above freezing by day but still down in the 20’s at night so it has made for some very icy conditions to walk in. As rough as mornings can be, the rest of the day I have been feeling pretty good and taking full advantage of the fact, multi tasking away and trying to be as constructive as possible.

I have found that on a decent day, there is much I can do. Making cheese is one of those as it takes very little in the way of muscle power to do. It just requires a LOT of sitting and waiting, which is perfect for someone with Ra type limitations. I’ve done a little better than decent lately, so I have also been able to make butter, ghee and today I’ll be making soap and bread...which is another thing I can sometimes even do during a flare, if I can just walk. My stand mixer does most of the kneading for me so pitching ingredients into the bowl is about the height of effort. 

On really good days, I try to cook and can meals so on the days I am in too much pain, we can just grab a jar off the shelf and perhaps a loaf out of the freezer and still have a good, home cooked meal.

Some of those meals would be venison, lamb and beef stews, chili, multiple homemade soups, shredded chicken, pulled pork, beef dip and shredded taco meat. The meats are great in sandwiches and salads and very easy to can up.

I also pre-measure soap and lye water on good days, so I don’t have to worry about those days when I have ‘cognitive’ issues and wander around in a ‘fog’. It guarantees everything will be consistent that way.

Small things tend to bring great joy. The soap and cheese-making, and even the bread baking take up a lot of the space in a very small kitchen. There is a water hookup in the utility room where the freezers are and Randyman found a freestanding sink in the barn so I can do all the soap and cheese making in there, leaving the kitchen free for meals, plus I can safely stop in the middle of something if I need to, without starving everyone until it’s complete. Between the sink and finding 4 more tons of hay we can buy to get the critters through until spring, has made me a happy, happy camper. 

Good days and bad, I find myself leaning harder and harder on Him to get me through things and He has yet to let me down. Here's to grace and better days ahead.

“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you” John 14:18

Undone

Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. -Psalm 37:3

Randyman’s family is coming to visit this weekend. The house has been an unmitigated disaster, due to my over a month-long flare and what seems an endless  struggle against pain and fatigue. What I do accomplish in a day’s time is done between frequent breaks and bouts of rest as my back begins to spasm or exhaustion threatens to overwhelm me. There isn’t a lot of ‘staying power’ connected with this disease. I often feel like there is a dark cloud over my life because of it.

My niece has long urged me to try taking turmeric. It’s a spice, yellow in color, middle eastern in origin. It has anti inflammatory properties and of course, prior to modern medicine, it was always natural substances that were used to cure and to treat,so although I know it isn’t a cure, I finally remembered to order some gel caps online, as I cannot stand the taste of it in liquid and needed to get enough down each day to see if it helped.

It’s helping a LOT. Although each morning, my hands and feet have been quite swollen and painful to use, it goes away quickly once I push myself and the better part of the day I am fairly pain free and alert. I broke up the house chores I wanted to get done into 7 days. We had a new freezer come in so it added a LOT to the work load, driving the 4 wheeler back and forth from the boss’ folks house where the meat was, organizing it and finding a home for the things that used to be in THAT space...which of course meant EVERYTHING in the house got moved. We live in a house of no cupboards or closets so storage is always a problem.Everything in it is pretty much in plain view (and dusty) which poses a huge challenge for me, having never been the domestic nor artistic type. Not so much that I don’t want to be, I just never was before. A lot of prayer went into this week, because before it ever started, I was over come and overwhelmed with just how I was going to get it all accomplished. Cleaning the house was not the ONLY thing that had to be done. There was a large chunk of suet, and 3 huge leaves of lard that had to be rendered right away as they were not going to fit in a freezer and the outside temps are warming up during the day now, so it would all spoil. So add rendering tallow and big, greasy pots to the equation each day, on top of cleaning, milking, processing milk, and cooking and there is a pretty hefty day’s work for anyone.

So far so good. It is already Thursday and I only have the bathrooms, our bedroom and a bit left in the living room to finish. I think it is actually doable.

During my breaks, I ponder the above referenced verse, about God giving us the desires of our heart. I discovered this truth several years ago and found that like many things to do with the Lord, it was not as we might think. (His thoughts really ARE higher than our thoughts) To the unacquainted human heart, these words would seem to suggest that merely for the gift of your affections, God would become a cosmic Santa and grant you all the things you might want.

Even in our most flawed and reprobate state, we know that would not be a good thing. Just as allowing children to gorge themselves on a diet of straight soda and candy would be foolish and unloving, so would God be amiss to grant our every wish, greedy and undiscerning as we tend to be.

Nevertheless, the verse is true. We put the emphasis on the “give” but he put the emphasis on the “desires”.  While He does not grant us every wish, He does give us the DESIRE for the things He wants to give us. A huge difference in theory but in practice it works perfectly. Even more than perfectly. Better than perfect, even. 

Realize that whatever you have a passion for, whatever things draw your heart, those are the things that inspire you. Inspire, literally means “God breathed”. So, God breathed those desires into your heart and He will lead you to them if you are willing to follow.

Whereby I wanted to ride forever, have big horse barns, nice trailers and trucks, breed and raise expensive horses and all that goes with it. I’d already had a pretty successful run of training and teaching and competing for a couple of decades. I enjoyed it, but it wasn’t totally satisfying me and it was stressful a lot of the time, dealing with colts and the public.

His desire was to bring us here, to this ranch, among this ranch family who treats us as their own, provide a ‘backyard’ that is hundreds of square miles, a milk cow, chickens, goats and sheep and my incredible Maremma dogs. While I have been ‘indisposed’ by this disease, I have learned to make all my own dairy products, provide all our food from scratch ingredients, garden, sew, crochet...He gave me an endless number of things to do that I love doing and the means by which to learn  and practice it. If I had a choice now, between what I wanted and what He wanted to give me, there is no doubt, I am excited about His choice. He knows better than I do what I want as well as what I really need. We don’t always agree, but He is always right. 

For the better part of this past week I was able to be insanely busy and get a lot done. Today, there is another snow storm coming in and the barometer change has caused the pain to return. It’s in my hands, feet and back, which are what I have used so much this week. It’s not as deep and widespread as it can get, so I feel fortunate that there is still improvement in the amount of inflammation I usually have. 

Instead of finishing, as I had planned, I will submit and enjoy the affection freely given by my big ‘polar bears’, (Our Maremma Livestock Guardian dogs). 

Cletus oozes (yes, oozes not eases...he is so fluid and slithery when he sneaks up onto the couch) his 120 lb frame up next to me and tenderly presses his head against my chest. He can tell I am a little down today. As I bury my fingers in his thick fur I can feel myself relax and a smile finally comes, in spite of the pain, as I think about how wonderful it is, to have the love of a small child, or a dog. They love without condition or forethought. It always makes me feel better when they are around. 

I won’t be able to complete the list of things I really wanted to get finished before our family comes, but there is still one more day. He may yet help me do it...and if not, the world is still turning and no one in heaven is wringing their hands over it and this storm too, shall pass. If it’s something I really need to get done, He’ll help me.

“Our greatest fear should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter.” -Francis Chan

Are there things on your want-to-do list that you have had to just let go? How did you feel about it?

Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him and He shall bring it to pass. Psalm 37:5

Day By Day

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.” 2 Cor 4:16-18

January was quite a month. The highlight was visiting most of our family in California and having our friend the chef, visit with us for most of the month. The low point was icy roads preventing shipment of my self administered injections for Ra on time, which threw me into a flare that lasted for weeks.

I was able to visit and talk with my sister in law who has battled this disease for most of her life. It helped a lot to discuss it with someone who knows what I am going through and could sort of give me an idea of what is ahead...to spend time with someone I love and trust, who has already been there. It was good to see everyone and I wish there was a way we could see them all more.

As far as Ra and such things go, one of the great things about Internet is that there are online support groups for just about everything. I find them to be useful tools to see if what I experience are common symptoms or not and what might be expected out of different treatment modalities. I have also learned, particularly from individuals who have very active Ra, that one thing that seems to cause great offense, is public misunderstanding of the disease. Lack of public knowledge about these disorders seem to be at or near the top of the list of complaints for many patients, as those with misconceptions can include not just strangers, but friends, co-workers and family members. It can be difficult for a family member to understand why someone might not be able to get out of bed due to incomprehensible pain, when they look quite normal. 

Ra is short for Rheumatoid Auto-Immune Disorder commonly called Rheumatoid Arthritis. The latter term can be misleading as it isn’t osteo-arthritis, which nearly anyone who lives long enough has, as joints wear out from age and use. Rheumatoid is an inflammatory, incurable, degenerative and progressively painful auto-immune disease. 

Auto immune conditions are when the body’s own defense systems become confused and overactive and turn on the body itself, destroying its own tissues, organs and soft tissue as well as joints and bone. There are hundreds of diseases in this category and generally, I have found they are like potato chips, in that people almost never have just one. There are various combinations that seem to evolve. Ra and  Fibromyalgia, Ra and Lupus, toss in Reynaud’s or any number of diseases with odd names and overlapping symptoms and it can be confusing, discouraging and disconcerting as well as difficult to treat and diagnose.

Ra is an inflammatory condition that affects joints, connective tissue and even internal organs and can result in intense pain and in some cases, even death. It is known to sometimes attack heart and/or lungs. Treatment for Ra is a “darned if you do, darned if you don’t” kind of a thing. To obtain any kind of quality of life you must submit to taking drugs which are known to cause a variety of serious and frightening side effects, not the least of which is lymphoma and other types of cancer. It’s a bit like playing Russian Roulette, but we play because it is the only way to maintain functionality and tolerate the pain. 

There are varying degrees of severity and stages of Ra, from the mildly affected and slow progressing and those in temporary remission, to others who find at initial diagnoses they are already in agony to the point of being totally unable to function. Fortunately, I am between the two. I often need assistance and cannot do most of the things I used to do, but if I set my mind to it, on a good day I can still accomplish quite a bit. I have had to set my goals a lot lower and not be too terribly discouraged if I cannot meet them.

It helps not having telephones and other things to interrupt my day. In fact one of the hardest things for me is to try to answer the phone. I can no longer rise or walk quickly enough to catch it and if I do, it’s even harder for me to hear on it.

Another problem with Ra is that there are so many different things that can trigger a flare. Stress is a huge trigger. Therefore I do everything I can to try to avoid emotional and financial stress. Living where we do and being able to simplify my life plays a big part in that. 

It is almost as hard on a spouse to live with someone that has Ra as it is for the person affected. So much responsibility falls on the family and there has to be acute frustration in not being able to really help someone you love, who is in chronic and constant pain. In some instances, a patient may find themselves misunderstood, or even abandoned because of their illness. This isn’t of course, exclusive to Ra. People with any kind of issues can find themselves suddenly alone at their greatest point of need, in today’s increasingly hedonistic, self serving and disposable culture. 

I am one of the fortunate ones. The man I am married to meant it, when he pledged in ‘sickness or in health’. Without complaining about the extra work load when I am unable to feed my animals or do my regular daily chores, he is there for me. He feeds the critters and pulls the milk wagon through the snow and mud because I cannot. He is always encouraging me  and has never made me feel like a burden or less of a person because of my disease. He is a nearly perfect illustration of Biblical marriage and a conduit of God’s love. He doesn’t do this because I am worthy, or because I can do anything to make it worth his while. As does our Lord who created relationship and modeled it for us, he does it, because he chooses to. He knows that love is not something we feel, it is something we DO. You cannot ‘fall in” or ‘fall out’ of love. You either do it, or you don’t.

Sometimes I cannot stand up by myself. Randy will reach down a hand and pull me up until I am on my feet. It is usually a painful process, as the pressure it applies against my hands, wrists and shoulders sometimes feel as though they are all being dislocated, but it is necessary.

Likewise, the Lord has used pain in my life to lift me up to where I need to be. I would never wish a malady like this on any person or their spouse, but I can say, God has used it in my life to good purpose. I have learned new skills, found new hobbies and gained a new appreciation for life. In addition, it is the only way that I could set aside my pride and accept help, as I have always been fiercely independent and have always had an aversion to ‘imposing’ myself on anyone for any reason. There is nothing more humbling than becoming "un-able". Through this experience, I have learned more about the admirable qualities of my husband and the depth of his love and commitment, than I ever possibly could have, had I remained healthy. One never knows how someone will respond until a situation actually arises. As this disease has progressed in my life, it has ravaged both my body and my emotions. Once exceptionally strong for a woman, I have become embarrassingly weak. Prescription drugs have caused rapid weight gain and thinning hair. My skin has suffered. My clothes don’t fit, hands and feet are often swollen and painful. I am loathe to go anywhere because I don’t want anyone to see me like this. I feel old and ugly and tired and worn.

Then Randy comes home. With a wordless look and a smile, he changes everything. I don’t think he sees me the way I see myself. He acts as though he still sees the woman he married and I feel cherished and blessed. He is ever working toward what is in my best interest.

As Randy appears to see what was, God sees also what will be. Both visions are superior to what is and both are clear illustrations of His passion for us. How can I not be looking forward, no matter what this disease will bring?

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “ plans to prosper and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11