tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-70969646054842372582024-02-20T00:59:31.918-08:00Through The Darkest Valleyspeteyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04842363901612535790noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7096964605484237258.post-67914040295612721322014-09-13T11:02:00.001-07:002014-09-13T11:02:16.971-07:00The Key to Coping<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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"<i>Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him For the help of his countenance" Psalm 42:5</i></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">It’s been a very long time since I updated here. It’s been a difficult year as infusions were not working and I have had yet another change in medications trying to get the pain and encroaching damage under control. The good news is, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of widespread permanent damage accompanying the pain so far.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 14px; letter-spacing: 0px;">Never, in my wildest or worst nightmares did I ever dream life would be like this, that for days and weeks, sometimes months at a time, I would be so weak and in so much pain that I can not make a bed, do dishes, fix a meal, vacuum a floor or even water plants, never mind going out to be with the animals or in the garden where I PREFER to be. More time than I would like to admit, is spent sitting with the laptop, looking for distraction and heading off depression. Riding looks like a nearly impossible dream. It’s been months since I have ridden and both my horses are out of reach and I haven’t the strength to go get them. Wimpy was a turd last time I climbed aboard and Mister has spent the past few months with his feet busted up. He had front shoes on for a day, but threw one and tore his right front up pretty bad so that there is not much to nail to, so now he’s in worse shape than before. Hopefully something can be done soon. Everyone who is able to help him is so busy these days and of course, he is a low priority for everyone except me, which is as it should be. Working on a ranch is not a 9-5 job and if these guys ever GET any free time, they DO need to invest in their own lives</span><span style="font-size: 14px;">…</span><span style="font-size: 14px; letter-spacing: 0px;">however, that doesn't help me much.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14px; letter-spacing: 0px;">Our first year here, I had big dreams. I could finally do the things I had longed to do for a lifetime, but I quickly broke my shoulder, sustaining serious damage. The ball joint was fractured, the </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">cartilage had broken and was caught behind the ball joint so my arm could not go back in the socket after I dislocated it and I had 3 painful rotator cuff tears. It took a year to recover. Three weeks after I was allowed to start riding again my mare bucked me off on the frozen rocky ground and broke all my ribs on the left front side and punctured my lung. Because of poor medical care, I wound up in emergency surgery 3 weeks later, having my ribs broken AGAIN, in the back this time, so they could gain access to the 2 liters of blood that had filled my lung. Another year went by. I bought a new, safer horse as clearly my condition had rendered me helpless and unable to ride or train colts anymore, which had been my passion and profession for 30 years and my left leg began to swell painfully. It was found I needed an immediate complete joint replacement. Add yet another painful year of trying to recover so I could ride again…then the disease got worse and I was overcome with both weakness and balance challenges.</span></span><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">This week I went to the hospital for an MRI on my right leg, which has been painfully swollen for almost a month now. We spent the night because I have to see rheumatologist again and it turns out I need another joint replacement. I will lose yet another year recovering, trying to gain back the little ground I have made.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Depression is part and parcel of this disease and it is very difficult to fend off, considering the limitations set upon the lives of those who have it. It’s a lifelong process of grieving what feels much like a death, the death of who I was, and trying to come to terms with who I am now, which, at least in my case, is not someone I ever chose to be. It feels like I am constantly being knocked down. Sometimes the blows are paralyzing and I am not sure I even want to try. TheMan does what he is able to help me but it takes its toll on him as well.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I don’t know how others cope. As for me, the only thing I can do, the only strength I have, is to hold onto He who loves me most and will walk me through this, as the decision to allow this disease to devastate my life had to pass through His hands first. I know Him well enough to know without a doubt, He will allow nothing to happen to me that isn’t for my own good. If not in this life, than in the next, when I finally see Him face to face and there are no more distractions and no more obstacles to prevent me from feeling His awesome, overwhelming and complete love.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I look forward to that day and as I see the world around me systematically being destroyed, our Constitution shredded, our economy collapsing, pornography and immorality touted as a god in every conceivable medium and radical Muslim factions setting the world aflame with a President who cares only about himself, his own desires and has no compassion or empathy for either the American people or those who have been brutally slain on his watch, too often as a result of his own incompetency. It’s hard to be hopeful without a leader in the nation’s capital.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I can only lift my hands and pray “Come quickly!” and yet, I know my own time, my own anxiety and my own minute suffering is not yet over, but because of Him, I am not inconsolable.</span></div>
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"<i>I will restore to you the years that the locusts have eaten" Joel 2:25</i></div>
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peteyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04842363901612535790noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7096964605484237258.post-27305713802156244342013-08-26T14:57:00.000-07:002013-08-26T14:57:47.848-07:00Looking Up<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><i>"The Lord is my strength and my shield; My heart trusted in Him and I am helped; Therefore my heart greatly rejoices and with my song I will praise HIm" Ps 28:7</i></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Three weeks after my last ‘loading dose’ of the infusion, things started looking up. I was praying for remission and although very weak with little stamina, the extreme pain was absent. I was sure I could regain my strength if I could ride again, but I cannot ride alone anymore as I cannot get off to open gates and the likelihood of my having an accident is exponentially higher now, even riding the old gentle horses that have replaced the colts I used to ride.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Still, relief from pain is a big deal and I celebrated hope for the future. I was surprised with a LOT of company, but helpful company. I was grateful for the grace and understanding everyone gave me because of my condition. While it was exhausting to do all the things I wanted to do, it was rewarding as well.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I was totally blessed by an answer to much prayer, as I need someone here to help me now and then. Being alone 90% of my day is hard as I have to motivate myself even when I hurt or am terribly fatigued. Another person is a good distraction from the pain and as I am not one of those who can sit while someone else is working it is a good incentive to keep trying. A friend from long ago came and we found it to be to our mutual benefit for her to move in with us. I’m looking forward to it both as a relief to some of my fears and limitations as well as good companionship. We share many things, a love of animals, a love of riding, and above all, our faith, so it will be a fun adventure.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">The benefits of the infusion are slowly wearing off, too soon. Almost two weeks before the next infusion the pain began to return and all the previous symptoms are present, so remission isn’t here yet, but they are going to bump up the dose so I hope and pray this next round goes the distance in between them.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Meantime, I lean on Him and gratefully so. He is bringing my sons up in October and for the first time in 8 years the entire family will be together. There is nothing I could wish for that could trump that.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">How He has given me the desire of my heart.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">If you don’t know Him, I encourage you to reach out and meet Him. Life will never be the same again.</span></div>
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"<i>Call to me and I will show you great and unsearchable things that you do not know" Jer 33:3</i></div>
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peteyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04842363901612535790noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7096964605484237258.post-58875685713708186302013-07-23T09:50:00.002-07:002013-07-23T09:51:51.178-07:00About Suffering...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<i>"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths" prov 3:5-6</i><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">It has been a summer, indeed a <i>year</i>, of ups and downs as far as my autoimmune condition has gone. I now go to town hours away and spend 4 hours in the hospital having a drug infused slowly into my bloodstream to try and stem the tide of this disease.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">It’s hard to say if it is helping or not. I have had some of the worst flares ever, when the barometric pressure drops. I sleep more than I am awake and have no stamina. Walking through the house winds me now. I am weaker than I have ever been in my life and flares are incredibly, unbearably painful, swift and oppressive. I bounce back in between, however, although the weakness and fatigue stays with me. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Luckily, Randyman walks this valley with me. He understands when I am unable to function and instead of berating or becoming discouraged with me, he supports me and picks up the slack, caring for the animals, yard and our personal needs. I can be practically comatose for 24 hours, then suddenly wake up feeling refreshed and ready to do something. On those days I do laundry, can foods, bake bread, fix a nice dinner or whatever I am able to do. Yesterday was the highlight of my summer so far. Sushimoo, my yearling heifer, jumped the fence and wound up in the pasture with the bull and his harem. Being much too young to be bred still, she had to be captured and separated again. The first time in months, I was strong enough to walk out to the milk pasture where the horses are, not just once, but THREE times. I captured my old Quarterhorse, got him saddled up, rode down and in the space of about half an hour or so managed to bring all the cattle up and separate Sushi and EmmaLouMoo and put them in the corral. The rest of the day I spent recovering, as it triggered a great deal of pain in my shoulders, wrists and hands and I was worn out, but emotionally I was riding a wave of joy that I cannot even describe. For a brief moment in time, I was able to once again do what I most love, with the desired result and uninjured. Life is made up of these kinds of moments.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Pain is relative. Everyone experiences it, be it in the form of disease or injury, failure, betrayal, death of a loved one, loss of a job, insecurity, death of a child... it comes in many forms. Many people who have not met the Savior ask,<b> “How can a loving God allow such suffering in the world?”</b></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">It’s a valid question and one I used to ask, myself. The answer can be complex, but simply put, we live in a fallen world. This is not paradise. It is neither Eden nor Heaven. When sin and rebellion entered the world, it separated us from God and His perfect creation was damaged. Disease, death and wickedness took root and grows, still, today. But He is yet in control. He holds back evil, allowing in only what can work toward His purposes. Death is a loathesome enemy, be it the death of a child or adult, wild animal or beloved pet. But He defeated death. Death does not have the final word.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">As far as human suffering goes, there are a couple of things someone told me early in my walk that helped me understand suffering’s purpose. The Roman Centurion was not convinced Jesus of Nazareth was who He claimed he was. After observing His crucifixion, in excruciating pain and agony, offering grace and redemption to the very world who tortured and murdered him, the Centurion said <i>“Truly, He must have been the son of God”. </i>It was watching how He handled suffering that opened the Centurion's eyes.</span><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"> As my friend said “It is not always how we live, but sometimes how we die, that convinces an unbelieving world”. When others see He sustains us in our suffering, they see the awesome power of God. Joni Eareckson Tada, who became a quadriplegic in a diving accident at the age of 18, says </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><i>“I would rather be in this wheelchair with Jesus, than on my feet without Him.” </i></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Pretty powerful words coming from a woman who has spent 40 years in that wheelchair, unable to do the things most of us take for granted. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Unlike the televangelists who promise all manner of wealth and comfort if we only follow their formula, the Bible says, in fact <b><i>guarantees</i></b>, we will have tribulations in this life. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Finally, the best explanation of the true purpose of suffering was given to me by a friend when she explained to me the refiner’s fire. This is a term used over and over in the Bible, referring to the crucible of suffering.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">A woman stopped to watch a silversmith at work. He was smelting down silver in a crucible, burning off the dross to purify the precious metal. As she was asking questions of him, he explained it was necessary to pay constant attention, so as not to overheat or damage the silver. It had to be done with great care. She asked him how he knew when the process was finished. His reply was</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><i><b>“When I can see my reflection in it”.</b></i></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">As the silver reflects the image of the silversmith, so we begin to reflect the character of Jesus as we come through the crucible of suffering. Notice, that He never once takes His eyes off as we are being perfected, but stays close, ever watchful, until all the impurities are gone and He can see His own image in us.</span><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Take heart, your suffering has purpose.</span><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">"</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion<sup class="crossreference" style="font-weight: bold; line-height: normal; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV-29368A" title="See cross-reference A">A</a>)"></sup> until the day of Christ Jesus." phil 1:6</span></i></span></div>
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peteyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04842363901612535790noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7096964605484237258.post-72649182367139024792013-06-22T12:26:00.000-07:002013-06-22T19:26:59.370-07:00Changed<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><i><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">"</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The <span class="small-caps" style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span> your God in your midst, </span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><span class="text Zeph-3-17" style="position: relative;">The Mighty One, will save; </span></i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><span class="text Zeph-3-17" style="position: relative;">He will rejoice over you with gladness, </span></i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><span class="text Zeph-3-17" style="position: relative;">He will quiet you with His love, </span></i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="text Zeph-3-17" style="position: relative;"><i>He will rejoice over you with singing.” </i>Zeph 3:17</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Pain ebbs and flows. Emotions vacillate between hope and discouragement. Time marches on, with no respect for the days that are lost.</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Small accomplishments, doing the morning dishes, shaping a loaf of bread, bending down to turn on a hose, become mighty.</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Plans made, lists made up then set aside, there won’t be any chores done today, not when you can’t get up or use your hands. That baby blanket you’ve been meaning to crochet has been on hold for months, it’s almost too late now.</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Others pass by the window, talking, laughing, spur rowels making metallic noise along the odd stones on the driveway. The sound of hooves stepping in a trailer, a motor roars to life and you are left behind again. There won’t be anymore trips to the desert or out on the range. A tear escapes and tastes salty on my tongue. Were there really ever better days? Did I really used to ride, run, laugh, play? I am not the person I had dreamed I would be now. This was not even on my radar.</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Tiny setbacks take my breath away, there is only so much I can handle. One more sick animal, one more challenge, one more difficulty, one more demand...it’s enough to send me into flight mode, but I can no longer flee.</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Painfully easing myself down I hear His voice beckoning. I pick up His word and His promises remain. Peace flows over me like water and I am reminded He cares and is in complete control. He has His reasons and I don’t need to understand, just to be, in His presence. Recently someone brought up the point to me that He sings. The Bible says He rejoices over me, with singing. We won’t just be singing to Him, but we sing WITH Him. All things are with Him, if we just stop to look and listen. </span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">The pain begins to flare and in my minds eye I can see Him, hands nailed to rough wood, arms dislocated, body beaten to a shredded pulp. On a cross His broken form stares down at me in love and says “Join me. I will carry the load, you only need know a little of the price I paid for you, to understand my love”. Pain is diminished and purpose is born.</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Gratitude takes up residence in my heart once again and I am changed by His words.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #001320; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 22px;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and light unto my path." Psalm 119:105</span></i></span></div>
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peteyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04842363901612535790noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7096964605484237258.post-18837368665183250522013-05-27T10:33:00.000-07:002013-05-27T10:33:11.611-07:00Cycles<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<i>"But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not grow faint" Is 40:31</i></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKmRgQFFubwyGe-YqvVngRRB_q96l49hPJH1XjYpX77S4q2uM32buryQRheClf0kPUrn0Eaqwe3SK3gOCNiyhKk89-eUJ7QsBQQ6cVAJRX74aJ-6Fnk1dpZbQLjE-5eVT5HOZqpw0HThk/s1600/IMG_3668.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="358" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKmRgQFFubwyGe-YqvVngRRB_q96l49hPJH1XjYpX77S4q2uM32buryQRheClf0kPUrn0Eaqwe3SK3gOCNiyhKk89-eUJ7QsBQQ6cVAJRX74aJ-6Fnk1dpZbQLjE-5eVT5HOZqpw0HThk/s640/IMG_3668.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Like weather and everything else in life, pain seems to come in cycles. Last winter was the roughest so far, but a visit to the rheumy to discuss new treatment and the blessing of a last shot of steroids and I have had many good, nearly pain free days. It’s amazing what that can do for your outlook. Being able to function again, even for just a little while, brings hope and a light heart. I got some work done on the yard and garden, repotted many of the little seedlings I had started into bigger pots, waiting until they can go in the ground come June. I’ve not been strong enough to ride, but I did put some new trail boots on my Paint horse to get them broke in so when I’m able, I am ready to go.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">The downside is, there have been a lot of barometric changes this spring, with storms coming and going and that brings pain and weakness every time, but the good news is, I am rallying in between.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">The good days are so very much appreciated. I did appreciate my health and strength before I became ill so I cannot say that gratitude for the good days is a benefit of my condition. Nevertheless, they are precious and won’t be taken for granted.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I felt good enough that I was too busy to even finish this blog for awhile. The storms have abated for a week or so and the disease was all but silent. I was able to enjoy working outside in the garden, rode my horse a few laps and almost kept up with the housework for a change. I’ve been thrilled to be able to work in the garden, doing some hoeing, planting the seedlings and hauling old hay to throw down as mulch. My back is beginning to complain about the wear and tear and yes, I overdid it. My hands have flared up and blistered again, but I can’t sit still as there is so much to do, so I keep going. Back on the pain killers for now, but there is great satisfaction in a job well done. I can sit on the porch and just smile as I watch the hummingbirds and butterflies and see the grass and flowers grow from my perch.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Sure as shootin’ I went too far and now I’m paying the price and spring weather has caused more flaring. Ugh.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"> Round and round we go. As it has been said, </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">"I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I do know the One who holds tomorrow."</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Hanging onto Him is the only way I can get through my deepest valleys. We will all walk through our own valley, in pain, poverty, grief or disappointment. It is one of the things we are assured of in this life.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Thankfully, this life is not all there is.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdiaq9YL1KRwz6vQw3zt00KonoR7_m2TEItCXOGY0jsBmxAKRTLcccib5ub5n8b6mYfrbRRvVHXhDcKK1x5rhR4ySaFMT-Fnn9IBWe7Y716KvFt86z8P48klhYYM9idiA-pLbV6JVXRfI/s1600/P1010002.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><i><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdiaq9YL1KRwz6vQw3zt00KonoR7_m2TEItCXOGY0jsBmxAKRTLcccib5ub5n8b6mYfrbRRvVHXhDcKK1x5rhR4ySaFMT-Fnn9IBWe7Y716KvFt86z8P48klhYYM9idiA-pLbV6JVXRfI/s640/P1010002.JPG" width="640" /></i></a></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">"<i>And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap, if we do not lose heart" Gal 6:9</i></span></div>
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peteyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04842363901612535790noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7096964605484237258.post-34395681382745666082013-04-09T17:33:00.002-07:002013-04-09T17:33:31.278-07:00Shadows<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"<i>Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? ps 42:5 a</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I am so glad I have been canning when I am able. Several days this month, we have had to rely on jars from the pantry as I experience painful flares that just won’t let go. I have been fortunate that some afternoons, the pain eases up for a few hours and I am somewhat functional until bedtime. Then the cycle of pain begins again. This has been a really difficult year to date. Most of it has been spent agonizing and feeling crushed under the heel of this disease. Depression has been a frequent visitor and it gets more and more difficult to evict him from my heart and home.</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I have always lived an isolated life. I was raised pretty much apart from my siblings as they were so much older, they were out of the house by the time I really needed them. At the same time, my folks divorced and my grandfather, to whom I was very close, moved to a “retirement village”. I never really knew any other life than being somewhat solitary. That has always been all right with me. I love my family and the few friends I have made. My days have nearly always been spent alone, working horses or down cleaning the barn until we moved here to the ranch. I finally had someone to ride with and loved what we were doing, moving cows, covering miles of scenic country everyday, learning the things I had always wanted to learn, but it didn’t last long before I lost the ability to do what I most loved and was once again, alone for most of my waking hours. </span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I contented myself with a milk cow, goats and sheep and learning new skills, looking forward to the days I'd be strong enough to ride. I committed myself to baking all of our breads and making all of our dairy products, growing most of our vegetables and canning produce and meals. The best and most important part of my day is spent with the animals, as I have never been an inside, ‘domestic’ person and even being a loner, I still need affection and companionship. All my life I have had a need to be outside, doing something. That isn’t possible anymore. I'm relegated to the house more and more. My greatest fear is the day I have to let go of all my animals because I can no longer care for, or interact with them.</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I had a serious back injury in 1989 and after surgery, the recovery was long and grueling, but I knew I WOULD recover. I did recover. I fought through the pain and weakness, with sweat and tears and I broke and trained horses for another 15 years and produced some of my best work.</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">As these autoimmune issues began to manifest themselves, I lost more and more function. I vowed to make another comeback, I fought to get stronger, but mind over matter doesn’t always work out like we hope. Denial has passed and I accept I have a degenerative, incurable disease that is quickly progressing, doing permanent damage and ravaging my body. It’s painful as well as debilitating. I don’t have the incentive of knowing I can beat it, this time. I don’t have the hope that I will ever recover, because I won’t. Not on this side of heaven.</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">As the barometric pressure has jumped and bounced all this winter I have had the sensation of being beaten, again and again. It becomes very hard to ‘keep my chin up’, as they say.</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">As the pain and reality become overwhelming, I feel the absence of someone to talk to, someone who could listen, someone to touch. Someone to share the cries of my heart.</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I appreciate all of you online who pray for me. It really does help, knowing there are people who stand in the gap.</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I apologize as this is not what I consider an ‘edifying’ entry. Sometimes a person just has to pour out how they feel, even if it isn’t pretty.</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> For those who also suffer, know you are not alone. </span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">For those who know someone suffering, I hope you can understand how much they need your support. Not your suggestions, or the latest ‘miracle cure’. They don't need to be told how they should change their diet, or exercise. We’re doing all we can just to survive. Don’t for one minute assume there isn’t something we haven't tried, or would be doing if we were able. I’ve heard of people being told by friends and family they should stop taking the radical medications prescribed for us, because they are dangerous and don’t seem to do much good. Please understand that the only hope we have in taking these medications is to try and slow down the destruction and hopefully prolong our lives. None of them will cure us. Not taking them will almost surely shorten our life as so many of these diseases, such as this one, attack soft tissue, and organs as well as joints. Sometimes a shortened life seems like a better option, if it wasn’t so much more painful without the medications. Chronic pain is chronic. It's invisible and some days it doesn't wield the power that it can, but it is always ready to rear up and strike us down again. In my experience, every episode is more intensely painful than the last.</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Encourage your person. Be there to let them cry. Listen. Love them. Help them. That is all you can do.</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Help them hang on until the shadow passes.</span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">"<i>Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him for the help of his countenance." ps 42:5 b</i></span></div>
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peteyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04842363901612535790noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7096964605484237258.post-43906659847394534382013-03-22T11:45:00.003-07:002013-03-22T11:45:43.388-07:00Pressure to Simplify<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><i><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">“The ants are a people not strong, yet they prepare their food in summer” prov 30:25</span></b></i></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">The reality of living with incurable autoimmune conditions, is something that is definitely a catalyst for change. Some are good changes, others, not so much. One thing I have learned is that there will be good days and days that are so debilitating, I can do nothing. Lately, there have been more of the latter than the former. So it is against those days for which I must prepare. It isn’t a HUGE departure from things I do anyway, but there is incentive and more of a plan to what I will do. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Sharing with some of you who experience the same kind of limitations and challenges is what this blog entry is about. But not just for those of us who have limitations, but also those who have limited free time, like working moms even.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Primarily, I am the one who cooks the meals and living as far from town as we do, pretty much everything is made from scratch. That means baking all the breads, making dairy products and canning food. Therefore, that’s what I spend a lot of my time doing on a ‘good’ day. I bake bread ahead of time and slice and freeze it so we can just grab a few slices when we need. I wrap it in plastic wrap then foil and it thaws out like fresh. I always double the recipe when making waffles and freeze the extras for a quick breakfast with a tasty whole wheat waffle as opposed to spending hard earned cash on L’eggo’s which aren’t nearly as good.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I’m a big believer in gadgets and things that simplify my life and save me time. I have large water troughs for the animals that only need filling once a week instead of daily. I have automatic feeder for my chickens and dogs (not all dogs do well on this, but ours do).</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Having a garden is something I do, but the garden goes on a drip system which is run by automatic timers (operated by battery and not all that costly). Because I like fresh food and because I don’t like wasting money or buying substandard ingredients, I took up canning. But now my canning has a purpose beyond just preserving food. I can to ensure that on days I simply cannot feed us, there are meals available. This is pretty easily done, really and I actually enjoy it more than just canning up the regular stuff...tomatoes, jams and fruits. (Let’s not forget making that pie filling so pouring a jar into a crust and baking it gives a quick and tasty dessert!)</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I pressure can appropriate foods instead of freezing them, when I am able. That way there is enough room for our beef, lamb, chicken and venison and in the case of freezer failure, less food is going to be lost. There is also something very comforting about seeing jars and jars of food on my pantry shelves.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Lots of people are afraid of pressure canners. There is no need to be. To begin with, there are foods that can be “water bath” canned and others that require a pressure canner. High acid foods like tomatoes and jams/jellies are usually done in a water bath environment. When water bath canning, altitude adjustments are made by lengthening the TIME an item is in the canner. With pressure canning the altitude adjustments are usually made in the pounds of pressure. There are charts in most canning books as well as online for how long something needs to remain in the canner and the psi for your altitude. It’s very important to follow the directions about stopping the canning process. When to remove the pot lid, how soon to lift out the jars, allow the internal and external pressure to equalize and make sure your jars seal properly.</span></div>
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The procedure is really pretty easy. Decide what you are going to can and get it prepared. Most things are canned hot. A few can be canned cold or 'raw pack' such as chicken, but you will get that information and the details out of your canning book, which I recommend everyone have. It's been invaluable to me and there is no point in preserving your food unless you are going to make sure it is safe for consumption.</div>
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Grab your materials. This would be your:</div>
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Pressure canner (and weight, if yours is like mine)</div>
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canning funnel</div>
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plastic knife thingy for getting air out</div>
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white vinegar and a paper towel</div>
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lids & rings ( I love the Tattler reusable lids)</div>
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and I use a placemat to put everything on once it is sterilized and to set the hot jars on when done so the glass doesn't crack.</div>
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<li>Sterilize jars, either in the dishwasher, or boil/steam them in the canner</li>
<li>Fill to the recommended level, wipe the rims with papertowel dipped in white vinegar to prevent any food or oil on rim causing a seal failure.</li>
<li>Put on your lids and if using 2 piece metal lids, tighten finger tight.</li>
<li>*If using the plastic tattler reusable lids, only tighten enough for the ring to catch the threads. These have to be much looser in the canner to seal properly.</li>
<li>Set the jars in/on the rack. Never place them directly on the pot bottom or they will shatter from heat induction.</li>
<li>Make sure the water is at the proper level per your canner's instructions</li>
<li>I put a touch of white vinegar or cream of tartar in the water to prevent the aluminum from discoloring. It also helps remove the blackness if you didn't do it last time.</li>
<li>Set the lid on and tighten it so it is sealed.</li>
<li>Let it 'vent' for 10 minutes. (It is much, much easier than listening to someone else vent, although nearly as monotonous)</li>
<li>Set your weight on it's little jiggly post.</li>
<li>Once the weight begins to jiggle, adjust your heat so it is jiggling at a rhythmical cadence...now there is a strange word to spell. Rhythmical. Honestly, who makes these decisions anyway???</li>
<li>Pull yourself together.</li>
<li>Set the timer.</li>
<li>Once the timer goes off, turn off the heat.</li>
<li>When the pressure plug drops, remove the weight, usually for 2 minutes.*your recipe will tell you*</li>
<li>Remove the lid and usually wait another 5 minutes for jars to pressurize properly</li>
<li>Remove jars to placemat.</li>
<li>Re-tighten lids and be SURE to tighten the tattler lids now.</li>
<li>Let sit 24 hours.</li>
<li>Remove rings, check for seal</li>
<li>Mark jars what they are and put on date. I no longer use the paper labels as they are too much work to remove. Instead I write on the jar with a permanent marker which washes off easily before using again.</li>
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Done! Nothing terribly difficult there. I just double or triple a recipe I was going to make anyway, and can what is left over. This way I really only have to make that dish once a year. It frees me up to do other things.</div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">The resource that I use the most is <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Ball-Complete-Book-Home-Preserving/dp/077880139X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1363724778&sr=8-1&keywords=Balls+complete+book+of+home+preserving" target="_blank">Ball’s Complete Book of Home Preserving.</a> It has all the information you need on both water bath and pressure canning and 400 recipes to boot. Most of them I have tried are great.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">If I were to start over, I would purchase an <a href="http://www.amazon.com/All-American-921-2-Quart-Pressure/dp/B00004S88Z/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1363724862&sr=8-1&keywords=all+american+pressure+canner" target="_blank">“All American</a>” pressure canner. In fact, it’s on my wish list. It is definitely an investment. There aren’t going to be problems with getting your canner loaded and finding out your seal is bad and having to wait a week or more for a new one...which is something I have some experience with. Just try eating 7 quarts of the same something in less than a week! Freezing for me, is not usually a favorable option, as we have 3 freezers full. Space is at a premium here. The All American is a higher quality canner. I currently have a different canner which was a thoughtful gift from my step mom. It’s done an excellent job so far with the exception of needing replacement parts now and then. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">You could use your pressure cooker for water bath canning as well, if you have a regular lid that fits it. I just chose to buy one of the inexpensive graniteware canning pots so I don’t confuse myself and pressure process something by accident, which again, I have done, as my brain rarely remains on what I am doing at the moment and tends to wander off to greener pastures a lot, leaving me to do the work all by myself. You are able to cook in your pressure canner, but you can’t can in your pressure cooker. I don’t pressure cook much stuff, and personally, since the canner I have is made of aluminum, I wouldn’t cook in it anyway. Just my thoughts on it.</span></div>
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Some of our favorite soups: (I have put in clickable links to the recipes)</div>
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<a href="http://allrecipes.com/customrecipe/63580366/delicious-ham-and-potato-soup/detail.aspx" target="_blank">Ham&Potato Soup</a></div>
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<a href="http://allrecipes.com/customrecipe/63580371/lambbarley-soup/detail.aspx" target="_blank">Lamb and Barley Soup</a></div>
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<a href="http://allrecipes.com/personalrecipe/63580401/ham-split-pea-soup/detail.aspx" target="_blank">SplitPea&Ham Soup</a></div>
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<a href="http://allrecipes.com/personalrecipe/63580421/chicken-tortilla-soup/detail.aspx" target="_blank">Chicken Tortilla Soup</a></div>
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<a href="http://allrecipes.com/personalrecipe/63580494/easy-cheesy-chicken-chowder/detail.aspx" target="_blank">Cheesy Chicken Chowder</a></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">We have made great use of canned <a href="http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/French-Dip-Sandwiches/Detail.aspx" target="_blank">French Beef Dip</a> this year. It’s very easy to do. I just put two big cheap roasts in a crock pot after cutting off the fat, add all the seasonings and let it cook down until the meat is tender. Then I fill the sterilized canning jars with meat and the au jus and process it. For a quick meal we have just pulled a jar off the pantry shelf, heated it in the micro wave and stuffed it in french rolls.The au jus from it is amazing. Have a side salad and you are good to go! Another meat I have happily canned this year is <a href="http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Kalua-Pig-in-a-Slow-Cooker/Detail.aspx" target="_blank">pulled pork or kalua pig</a>. It’s delicious heated up on a french roll, or cooked up in a breakfast burrito, or mixed with BBQ sauce for a BBQ sandwich...you get the picture.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">We’ve had several chickens that needed to be culled. Typically, older hens or rooster tend to be very tough and stringy, albeit tasty and full of flavor. You can often find chicken quarters on sale. Canning them would save you a lot of money. The easiest way to make use of them is to separate the drumstick and thighs, put them in a jar bone in, fill it with hot broth and can it. Same thing with the breasts. It becomes a tender, deeply flavored shredded chicken that is ready to be used in your casseroles, or taco salads, or whatever you like to do with shredded chicken. There are hundreds of things I can think of. It's just another great thing to have on hand.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">This week I canned up a double batch of <a href="http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Meatball-Nirvana/Detail.aspx" target="_blank">meatballs</a>. I canned them in spaghetti sauce so we can have meatball sandwiches in a snap. I'll can some more in broth to use in albondigas soup or swedish meatballs. The neat thing is, we don’t have to use any of these for a year or more, but it's there whenever I want something quick and easy. This makes living with RA quite a lot more tolerable for me. I think this would make life a lot easier for many of you, as well. </span></div>
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I try to can SOMETHING every week or two if I feel good. I always have left over chicken carcases and beef soup bones in the freezer waiting to become stock, if nothing else. Stews, chili, fruit for pies, there is always something that you can jar up and make good use of. I even can potatoes. I buy a big bag whenever we go to the store but with just 2 of us, I rarely can use them all, so into the can they go. It's quick to make fried potatoes then, or roast them with butter and herbs, or heat and mash them. If someone shows up for dinner unexpectedly (which doesn't happen very often here anymore) all you need to do is grab another jar.</div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I hope all of us, who suffer or not, are able to look ahead and see how life can be both amplified and simplified with just a few easy steps. I try to do what I can and that which I cannot, I try to leave in the Lord's hands. "Try", being the key word, as, like most women, I tend to be a bit of a control freak. Yes, I said it. Maybe in my case, that's what this disability is all about. Learning how to trust.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I've been flat on my back most of this week and I can sure appreciate the time I spent earlier doing this.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Do you have things you can share, that make life simpler? </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">My kitchen in Christmas past, which is probably the last time it was this clean...just sayin'....</span><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><b style="font-style: italic;">"Nothing is better for a man than that he should eat and drink, and that his soul should enjoy good in his labor. This also, I saw, was from the hand of God. </b>Eccl. 2:24</span><br />
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peteyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04842363901612535790noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7096964605484237258.post-3454749107931174862013-03-03T11:18:00.001-08:002013-03-03T11:18:55.509-08:00Of Agony and Ecstasy<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><i>“For His anger is but for a moment, but His favor is for life. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning” </i>psalm 30:5</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Mornings aren’t really my best time of day, but I can sometimes tell if the pain has lessened when I first wake up. It’s just typical of this disease to be unusually stiff and swollen on waking. I hate to get up as it hurts to use my body but that is what it takes to get the swelling to go down and relieve some of the pressure.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">It was a roller coaster of a week. The weather was up and down which played havoc with my autoimmune issues, sometimes causing intense pain. One day I would be totally disabled, the next, moderately functional. I’m grateful that the better days coincided with the days Annie and the sheep decided to lamb. It enabled me to be there in case they had trouble and to iodine the navels of the newborns to prevent bacteria from traveling up the cord and causing joint or navel ill which can be fatal. The highlight of my days is to watch the babies skipping and jumping and crawling all over their mamas.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Thursday evening I intensely wanted to ride my horse, because Randyman finally fixed a gate so I could actually open and close it by myself. It's been close to 8 months since I've been able to do what I once spent a lifetime doing all day and loving every minute of it. I had a dream job. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I awoke Friday morning with less pain, but more weakness and fatigue. I decided to drag myself out and bring Mister in anyway, even if just to brush him. I needed to be around him. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I was able to groom him without much trouble and took him out back into the sheep pasture with a longe line as it was the least slippery spot I could find. He ran and bucked and jumped and played, slipped and scooted around. Not bad for an old man. I was glad I hadn’t been up to saddling up and riding him because with my balance issues now, it would have been another disaster. The Maremma pups showed up. They laid down where they could still see the lambs but kept a penetrating eye on Mister, challenging him to dare try doing anything they perceived might endanger me. I figured it would take a few days to work the kinks out of my old horse, but didn’t mind as long as I could be in his company. I took him back to the corral and brushed him down good and returned him to his pasture. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I got back to the house energized and ready to do things. I honestly think the smell of horse sweat must be like crack. I felt better than I have felt in a year. I cleaned house, pruned fruit trees, covered garlic and strawberry plants to protect from the chickens, made sour cream and clabber and put on a leg of lamb for dinner. I still had energy to go play with the lambs and was even able to do dishes that evening. All day my face hurt from smiling, it was so great to feel good again. All day I was joyfully thanking God for the experience.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">The next morning I felt tired again, but the pain levels were surprisingly way down still. I assumed I would 'pay' for overdoing it and I went to get Mister and he was moving slowly and stiffly, like myself. I laughed and agreed with him that getting old really does suck. I put him on a line and he had no inclination of bucking, running or even moving. (bwahahahaha!) Deciding it was best for him as well as for me to stretch out the sore muscles, I rode him for about an hour in the corral, mostly walking, just working on lateral movements, foot placement and verbal cues. It felt so good.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Now this morning, the pain is back in full force along with another storm. But I had two fabulous days and I know that more are coming my way. Maybe even tomorrow.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">There are a thousand things I used to do </span>daily, that I took for granted. Now they are precious rarities. But when I <b><i>could</i></b> take them for granted, I often found myself discontent and dissatisfied because of OTHER things I could not do. Always reaching, always wanting more, I set myself up for a great deal of disappointment and strife. If my condition has brought me suffering, it has also brought me clarity. In the book of Philippians 4:11, Paul said “...I have learned in whatever state I am in, to be content...”</div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Contentedness is not something that happens to us, but something we LEARN. It is often in the fire of affliction that our eyes are opened to what actually surrounds us and is provided for us and we learn to be grateful. A grateful heart is a happy heart because gratitude and discontent cannot occupy the same space.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">There are so many examples of people who have walked through this world missing much of the joy of life until they, ie: survived cancer, had an accident, lost a loved one...went into the refiner’s fire and had a epiphany of some kind. After they suffered the pain and loss their eyes were opened to the world around them and the many wonders it contains. Sadly, we don't always chose to let this be the result of our trials, but God's purpose is always redemptive and He does bring beauty out of the ashes.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">This disease I would give up in a minute, but the lessons I have learned and the awareness it has brought to me, the depth of life, the awareness of colors, smell, textures, beauty, wonder...never. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">And there will be more glorious days. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">The simple things have become priceless and no longer to be disregarded or taken for granted. All of life, even the difficult side, is richer.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">So, for that, I am grateful.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><i>“I come that they may have life,and that they may have it more abundantly”</i></span></div>
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peteyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04842363901612535790noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7096964605484237258.post-8224563816192204492013-02-27T08:27:00.001-08:002013-02-27T08:27:10.179-08:00Pain Is Not Permanent<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I woke up in the morning wracked with pain. Every joint, every muscle in agony as I went from the chair I’ve had to sleep in, to the bathroom. Heading back out, I knew I couldn’t manage the trip back to the living room. I painfully climbed into bed, but was unable to pull the blankets over me, as my hands were unusable. Randy, seeing my plight, tossed them over me on his way out in the morning.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">An hour or so later I ventured to get up again. Only slightly stronger, I shuffled to the kitchen for coffee unable to cope with the painful sensation of my feet rising and falling on the floor. As snowflakes fall silently outside the window I sip my coffee and appreciate the heat radiating from my cup to my aching hands. This is not the life I bargained for.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">If I look in the mirror, I won’t recognize the woman looking back at me. The puffy, overweight, lumbering mess isn’t the quick moving, athletic over achiever I have always been. These aren’t my hands, puffy, swollen, stiff with papery skin. Those aren’t my clothes in the closet, they are made for someone larger. I don’t want to see anyone, and I don’t want to be seen. I drown in misery, tears falling freely. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Agitated, I pick up my Bible and start to read. I’m graciously reminded that I didn’t ‘bargain’ for anything. My life is a gift, both the the triumphs on the mountain peaks and the darkest places in the valleys. The journey I have been on is my own, but I am not alone. There are many who take it with me, some competing against me, others cheering me on, and yet others who just share the joys and pains of this place on the path, this space in my life. But there is also One who has walked alongside me the entire way. He’s been this way before and knows the pitfalls and dangers I will face, someone who has been to far more painful depths and knows also the ultimate heights of joy. He doesn’t always carry me, but usually lets me choose my own way, sometimes stumbling, sometimes running freely. When I fall headlong and sputter and spit dirt of failure out of my mouth, sometimes I am overcome with rage, or with sorrow. But soon I push past it and cry out for help, or simply raise my eyes and always, I find He is there, a Holy hand stretched out, ready to help me up again. This has been such a day.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">One of the Maremmas pushes his head up under my elbow and gently rests his head on my leg. Often the hands and feet and heart of Jesus come to me wrapped in fur. With eyes full of concern and compassion he looks at me and touches his cold wet nose to my tear dampened cheek. I hug him and it feels better, even hurting. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I push through the pain and this morning I am rewarded by it. The world awaits outside and there are new baby lambs, baby goats to marvel at. The miracle of life unfolds before me even as mine seems to fade. This day will get better, even if tomorrow does not. Each step of this journey brings me to a new and renewed life, one that will not be full of pain. I will see lost loved ones and best of all I will see HIM face to face. I can do this. I’m not the first, but I am also not the weakest. I can do this. I can keep walking until I too, reach Home.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">There is much I can do. Milk to process, cheese to make. It will take some effort but it will be worth it. I have to keep trying and pushing forward.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">The sun is breaking through the clouds even now and I can see my way and I am strengthened. I know who I am, because I know who He is. For now, that is enough.</span></div>
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peteyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04842363901612535790noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7096964605484237258.post-6770827316998710512013-02-16T16:44:00.000-08:002013-02-16T16:44:44.600-08:00Joy in the Little Things<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><i>“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” Matt 5:3</i></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Lately it seems turmeric tabs have really been helping me. I still had a little flare when the last storm hit but nothing like I usually experience and certainly nothing close to what I went through in December and January. I tried backing off of carbs and gluten but not only did it not help the inflammation, I started feeling really lousy. I’m sure it helps some people, but clearly, it isn’t the answer for everybody and definitely not for me. So back to regular eating and staying on the turmeric. Just as well. I hated watching everyone else eat my cinnamon rolls while I had an apple at breakfast.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">As I had mentioned in an earlier post, there are several things that can trigger a flare. Stress and emotional conflict are usually right at the forefront, outside of barometric changes for me. As many of you know, my father recently passed away. It was devastating to our family. I was closer to dad than I was to my brothers and sisters due to a gap in ages, so I am still trying to adjust to the idea he is not going to be there anymore. I still haven’t gotten used to Mom being gone. Being an orphan sucks, I don’t care how old you are.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">The weather has been improving. It’s been above freezing by day but still down in the 20’s at night so it has made for some very icy conditions to walk in. As rough as mornings can be, the rest of the day I have been feeling pretty good and taking full advantage of the fact, multi tasking away and trying to be as constructive as possible.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I have found that on a decent day, there is much I can do. Making cheese is one of those as it takes very little in the way of muscle power to do. It just requires a LOT of sitting and waiting, which is perfect for someone with Ra type limitations. I’ve done a little better than decent lately, so I have also been able to make butter, ghee and today I’ll be making soap and bread...which is another thing I can sometimes even do during a flare, if I can just walk. My stand mixer does most of the kneading for me so pitching ingredients into the bowl is about the height of effort. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">On really good days, I try to cook and can meals so on the days I am in too much pain, we can just grab a jar off the shelf and perhaps a loaf out of the freezer and still have a good, home cooked meal.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Some of those meals would be venison, lamb and beef stews, chili, multiple homemade soups, shredded chicken, pulled pork, beef dip and shredded taco meat. The meats are great in sandwiches and salads and very easy to can up.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I also pre-measure soap and lye water on good days, so I don’t have to worry about those days when I have ‘cognitive’ issues and wander around in a ‘fog’. It guarantees everything will be consistent that way.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Small things tend to bring great joy. The soap and cheese-making, and even the bread baking take up a lot of the space in a very small kitchen. There is a water hookup in the utility room where the freezers are and Randyman found a freestanding sink in the barn so I can do all the soap and cheese making in there, leaving the kitchen free for meals, plus I can safely stop in the middle of something if I need to, without starving everyone until it’s complete. Between the sink and finding 4 more tons of hay we can buy to get the critters through until spring, has made me a happy, happy camper. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Good days and bad, I find myself leaning harder and harder on Him to get me through things and He has yet to let me down. Here's to grace and better days ahead.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><i>“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you” John 14:18</i></span></div>
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peteyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04842363901612535790noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7096964605484237258.post-22312167139081724232013-02-07T21:15:00.000-08:002013-02-07T21:15:01.491-08:00Undone<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><b><i>Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. -</i></b>Psalm 37:3</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Randyman’s family is coming to visit this weekend. The house has been an unmitigated disaster, due to my over a month-long flare and what seems an endless struggle against pain and fatigue. What I do accomplish in a day’s time is done between frequent breaks and bouts of rest as my back begins to spasm or exhaustion threatens to overwhelm me. There isn’t a lot of ‘staying power’ connected with this disease. I often feel like there is a dark cloud over my life because of it.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">My niece has long urged me to try taking turmeric. It’s a spice, yellow in color, middle eastern in origin. It has anti inflammatory properties and of course, prior to modern medicine, it was always natural substances that were used to cure and to treat,so although I know it isn’t a cure, I finally remembered to order some gel caps online, as I cannot stand the taste of it in liquid and needed to get enough down each day to see if it helped.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">It’s helping a LOT. Although each morning, my hands and feet have been quite swollen and painful to use, it goes away quickly once I push myself and the better part of the day I am fairly pain free and alert. I broke up the house chores I wanted to get done into 7 days. We had a new freezer come in so it added a LOT to the work load, driving the 4 wheeler back and forth from the boss’ folks house where the meat was, organizing it and finding a home for the things that used to be in THAT space...which of course meant EVERYTHING in the house got moved. We live in a house of no cupboards or closets so storage is always a problem.Everything in it is pretty much in plain view (and dusty) which poses a huge challenge for me, having never been the domestic nor artistic type. Not so much that I don’t want to be, I just never was before. A lot of prayer went into this week, because before it ever started, I was over come and overwhelmed with just how I was going to get it all accomplished. Cleaning the house was not the ONLY thing that had to be done. There was a large chunk of suet, and 3 huge leaves of lard that had to be rendered right away as they were not going to fit in a freezer and the outside temps are warming up during the day now, so it would all spoil. So add rendering tallow and big, greasy pots to the equation each day, on top of cleaning, milking, processing milk, and cooking and there is a pretty hefty day’s work for anyone.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">So far so good. It is already Thursday and I only have the bathrooms, our bedroom and a bit left in the living room to finish. I think it is actually doable.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">During my breaks, I ponder the above referenced verse, about God giving us the desires of our heart. I discovered this truth several years ago and found that like many things to do with the Lord, it was not as we might think. (His thoughts really ARE higher than our thoughts) To the unacquainted human heart, these words would seem to suggest that merely for the gift of your affections, God would become a cosmic Santa and grant you all the things you might want.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Even in our most flawed and reprobate state, we know that would not be a good thing. Just as allowing children to gorge themselves on a diet of straight soda and candy would be foolish and unloving, so would God be amiss to grant our every wish, greedy and undiscerning as we tend to be.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Nevertheless, the verse is true. We put the emphasis on the “give” but he put the emphasis on the “desires”. While He does not grant us every wish, He does give us the DESIRE for the things He wants to give us. A huge difference in theory but in practice it works perfectly. Even more than perfectly. Better than perfect, even. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Realize that whatever you have a passion for, whatever things draw your heart, those are the things that <i>inspire</i> you. Inspire, literally means “<b><i>God breathed</i></b>”. So, God breathed those desires into your heart and He will lead you to them if you are willing to follow.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Whereby I wanted to ride forever, have big horse barns, nice trailers and trucks, breed and raise expensive horses and all that goes with it. I’d already had a pretty successful run of training and teaching and competing for a couple of decades. I enjoyed it, but it wasn’t totally satisfying me and it was stressful a lot of the time, dealing with colts and the public.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">His desire was to bring us here, to this ranch, among this ranch family who treats us as their own, provide a ‘backyard’ that is hundreds of square miles, a milk cow, chickens, goats and sheep and my incredible Maremma dogs. While I have been ‘indisposed’ by this disease, I have learned to make all my own dairy products, provide all our food from scratch ingredients, garden, sew, crochet...He gave me an endless number of things to do that I love doing and the means by which to learn and practice it. If I had a choice now, between what I wanted and what He wanted to give me, there is no doubt, I am excited about His choice. He knows better than I do what I want as well as what I really need. We don’t always agree, but He is always right. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">For the better part of this past week I was able to be insanely busy and get a lot done. Today, there is another snow storm coming in and the barometer change has caused the pain to return. It’s in my hands, feet and back, which are what I have used so much this week. It’s not as deep and widespread as it can get, so I feel fortunate that there is still improvement in the amount of inflammation I usually have. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Instead of finishing, as I had planned, I will submit and enjoy the affection freely given by my big ‘polar bears’, (Our Maremma Livestock Guardian dogs). </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Cletus oozes (yes, oozes not eases...he is so fluid and slithery when he sneaks up onto the couch) his 120 lb frame up next to me and tenderly presses his head against my chest. He can tell I am a little down today. As I bury my fingers in his thick fur I can feel myself relax and a smile finally comes, in spite of the pain, as I think about how wonderful it is, to have the love of a small child, or a dog. They love without condition or forethought. It always makes me feel better when they are around. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I won’t be able to complete the list of things I really wanted to get finished before our family comes, but there is still one more day. He may yet help me do it...and if not, the world is still turning and no one in heaven is wringing their hands over it and this storm too, shall pass. If it’s something I really need to get done, He’ll help me.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">“Our greatest fear should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter.” -Francis Chan</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Are there things on your want-to-do list that you have had to just let go? How did you feel about it?</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><i></i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Helvetica;"><i><b>Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him and He shall bring it to pass</b>. </i>Psalm 37:5</span></div>
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peteyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04842363901612535790noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7096964605484237258.post-11313080781046067372013-02-01T19:05:00.000-08:002013-02-01T19:07:08.206-08:00Day By Day<br />
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<span class="s1"><i>“Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.” 2 Cor 4:16-18</i></span></div>
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<span class="s1">January was quite a month. The highlight was visiting most of our family in California and having our friend the chef, visit with us for most of the month. The low point was icy roads preventing shipment of my self administered injections for Ra on time, which threw me into a flare that lasted for weeks.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">I was able to visit and talk with my sister in law who has battled this disease for most of her life. It helped a lot to discuss it with someone who knows what I am going through and could sort of give me an idea of what is ahead...to spend time with someone I love and trust, who has already been there. It was good to see everyone and I wish there was a way we could see them all more.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">As far as Ra and such things go, one of the great things about Internet is that there are online support groups for just about everything. I find them to be useful tools to see if what I experience are common symptoms or not and what might be expected out of different treatment modalities. I have also learned, particularly from individuals who have very active Ra, that one thing that seems to cause great offense, is public misunderstanding of the disease. Lack of public knowledge about these disorders seem to be at or near the top of the list of complaints for many patients, as those with misconceptions can include not just strangers, but friends, co-workers and family members. It can be difficult for a family member to understand why someone might not be able to get out of bed due to incomprehensible pain, when they look quite normal. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">Ra is short for Rheumatoid Auto-Immune Disorder commonly called Rheumatoid Arthritis. The latter term can be misleading as it isn’t osteo-arthritis, which nearly anyone who lives long enough has, as joints wear out from age and use. Rheumatoid is an inflammatory, incurable, degenerative and progressively painful auto-immune disease. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">Auto immune conditions are when the body’s own defense systems become confused and overactive and turn on the body itself, destroying its own tissues, organs and soft tissue as well as joints and bone. There are hundreds of diseases in this category and generally, I have found they are like potato chips, in that people almost never have just one. There are various combinations that seem to evolve. Ra and Fibromyalgia, Ra and Lupus, toss in Reynaud’s or any number of diseases with odd names and overlapping symptoms and it can be confusing, discouraging and disconcerting as well as difficult to treat and diagnose.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Ra is an inflammatory condition that affects joints, connective tissue and even internal organs and can result in intense pain and in some cases, even death. It is known to sometimes attack heart and/or lungs. Treatment for Ra is a “darned if you do, darned if you don’t” kind of a thing. To obtain any kind of quality of life you must submit to taking drugs which are known to cause a variety of serious and frightening side effects, not the least of which is lymphoma and other types of cancer. It’s a bit like playing Russian Roulette, but we play because it is the only way to maintain functionality and tolerate the pain. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">There are varying degrees of severity and stages of Ra, from the mildly affected and slow progressing and those in temporary remission, to others who find at initial diagnoses they are already in agony to the point of being totally unable to function. Fortunately, I am between the two. I often need assistance and cannot do most of the things I used to do, but if I set my mind to it, on a good day I can still accomplish quite a bit. I have had to set my goals a lot lower and not be too terribly discouraged if I cannot meet them.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">It helps not having telephones and other things to interrupt my day. In fact one of the hardest things for me is to try to answer the phone. I can no longer rise or walk quickly enough to catch it and if I do, it’s even harder for me to hear on it.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Another problem with Ra is that there are so many different things that can trigger a flare. Stress is a huge trigger. Therefore I do everything I can to try to avoid emotional and financial stress. Living where we do and being able to simplify my life plays a big part in that. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">It is almost as hard on a spouse to live with someone that has Ra as it is for the person affected. So much responsibility falls on the family and there has to be acute frustration in not being able to really help someone you love, who is in chronic and constant pain. In some instances, a patient may find themselves misunderstood, or even abandoned because of their illness. This isn’t of course, exclusive to Ra. People with any kind of issues can find themselves suddenly alone at their greatest point of need, in today’s increasingly hedonistic, self serving and disposable culture. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">I am one of the fortunate ones. The man I am married to meant it, when he pledged in ‘sickness or in health’. Without complaining about the extra work load when I am unable to feed my animals or do my regular daily chores, he is there for me. He feeds the critters and pulls the milk wagon through the snow and mud because I cannot. He is always encouraging me and has never made me feel like a burden or less of a person because of my disease. He is a nearly perfect illustration of Biblical marriage and a conduit of God’s love. He doesn’t do this because I am worthy, or because I can do anything to make it worth his while. As does our Lord who created relationship and modeled it for us, he does it, because he chooses to. He knows that love is not something we feel, it is something we DO. You cannot ‘fall in” or ‘fall out’ of love. You either do it, or you don’t.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Sometimes I cannot stand up by myself. Randy will reach down a hand and pull me up until I am on my feet. It is usually a painful process, as the pressure it applies against my hands, wrists and shoulders sometimes feel as though they are all being dislocated, but it is necessary.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Likewise, the Lord has used pain in my life to lift me up to where I need to be. I would never wish a malady like this on any person or their spouse, but I can say, God has used it in my life to good purpose. I have learned new skills, found new hobbies and gained a new appreciation for life. In addition, it is the only way that I could set aside my pride and accept help, as I have always been fiercely independent and have always had an aversion to ‘imposing’ myself on anyone for any reason. There is nothing more humbling than becoming "un-able". Through this experience, I have learned more about the admirable qualities of my husband and the depth of his love and commitment, than I ever possibly could have, had I remained healthy. One never knows how someone will respond until a situation actually arises. As this disease has progressed in my life, it has ravaged both my body and my emotions. Once exceptionally strong for a woman, I have become embarrassingly weak. Prescription drugs have caused rapid weight gain and thinning hair. My skin has suffered. My clothes don’t fit, hands and feet are often swollen and painful. I am loathe to go anywhere because I don’t want anyone to see me like this. I feel old and ugly and tired and worn.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Then Randy comes home. With a wordless look and a smile, he changes everything. I don’t think he sees me the way I see myself. He acts as though he still sees the woman he married and I feel cherished and blessed. He is ever working toward what is in my best interest.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">As Randy appears to see what was, God sees also what will be. Both visions are superior to what<b><i> is</i></b> and both are clear illustrations of His passion for us. How can I not be looking forward, no matter what this disease will bring?</span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><i>“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “ plans to prosper and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11</i></div>
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peteyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04842363901612535790noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7096964605484237258.post-68981135707210842462013-01-26T11:25:00.001-08:002013-01-26T15:38:56.380-08:00To The Mountaintop<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span class="s1"></span>"<i>Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.</i>" (Romans 12:15)</div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Having spent most of my life as sort of an athlete, who put in 10-12+ hours a day at a job I loved, starting colts and training show horses, I understand the difficulties of accepting limitations put on us by disabling disease. It’s hard sometimes, to understand why I can no longer do the things I previously did without effort or thought. I have ranted, raved and shed tears, like most of us who suffer from similar maladies. There comes a time when I feel rage and bitterness fill me, often followed by hopelessness, but because I have a relationship with my Savior, I find myself always moving back to acceptance and even joy. He always brings light to the darkest places, even when that place is my heart.</span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">This blog is different from the others I publish. This is about my journey with pain and disappointment and hopefully, the impact faith has on it. I shall be brutally honest with my feelings as this is as much a therapy for me as anything else it may accomplish. I hope that others who are walking this same path will join up with me that we might walk it together, as it's always nice to have someone who can understand your trials.</span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Saturday, January 26, 2013</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span class="s1">So far, to date, I have been diagnosed with Rheumatoid Autoimmune Disease, Psoriatic Arthritis and Fibromyalgia. I never saw this coming. It seems like one day I was on top of the world, all my horses were winning, my barn was always full and I had energy to spare so I could enjoy my family, my friends, my </span>garden and my home, which was my dream home. The next thing I knew, everything had pretty much turned around. I was in pain, weak, suffering from balance challenges, and life as a whole got ugly. There was a rift in the family that still leaves me feeling as if part of me was amputated, and we lost our home. I have gone from riding 10 hours a day to maybe riding 10 days a year. But God...those two words define my life. But. God. As in " -But. God.-meant it for good." (Gen 50:20)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"But. God." brought us to <a href="http://forpeteysake.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">this ranch</a>. When I can ride, it is a million times more enjoyable than any riding I ever did before. We are in a new season of life, just me and Randyman and got the opportunity to learn more about one another, since when we married we were an instant family with 4 children and things did not all go smoothly. The disease has limited my past activities and encouraged me to learn new skills, so now, instead of cleaning stalls and saddling horses, I am growing our food, making everything from scratch, making soap, learning to sew and taking the opportunities presented to me as I choose. The disease, though devastating, has also freed me to live a fuller life. I would love to do without it, but unfortunately, it is the only thing that would have brought me to this point. I have never known God to take away, without giving back something valuable in its place. I wish the rift in the family would heal, but even that I have to trust to His good judgement. Sometimes growth is painful.</span><br />
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<span class="s1" style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Our friend Afif leaves today. I am saddened by this as he is a good friend and fun to have around. He has also been an enormous help and encouragement this past month, doing most of the cooking and making sure Randy has breakfast in the morning. I have been in one of the worst flares yet, all of January. I think the fact that icy roads prevented the delivery of my injection until a week late, triggered it. </span><br />
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<span class="s1" style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Today the sun is shining, but I awoke with terrible pain in my back from an altercation with EmmaLouMoo last night while milking, and my feet are terribly swollen and painful, like they used to be 2 years ago before the Simpone injections. I feel the pain moving into my wrists, even now and the fatigue is once again taking over. It comes over me like a cloud covering the sun, suddenly and completely. It’s all I can do to sit up. I will have to return to this later.</span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I used to accomplish so very much with every day. I could never sit still. Now, I have no choice. I spend the greater portion of every day sitting, on the computer, because I don’t have the strength to do the things I really want to. I miss riding everyday. I miss training colts. I miss following the boss’ kids out across the range and following cattle all day. Being confined to the house is torture. But I have my horses still, so when I am able, I will ride. Even if its just a little ways. I have my sheeple and chickens, and my milk cow. And of course the Polarbears and Cider. I could not do without them. Today, somehow, I will find the strength to sterilize jars and make new mother cultures for the buttermilk, yogurt and clabber. I made a gallon of each this week so I should be good to go.</span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I hope I can also make some bread for the freezer (for those times I am not well enough) and render some lard. God willing.</span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">As soon as the fatigue passes, I will try to focus on the Lord. All that I am still able to do, is His gift to me. He did not afflict me with this disease. I don’t know His purposes in allowing me to have it, but I will trust Him with it. </span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Even in pain and disappointment, I have so much to be grateful for. I have also learned that gratitude and discouragement cannot inhabit the same space. Reaching for the gratitude and joy that only Christ can give me will evaporate the dark clouds in my heart, anytime I am willing to let Him. Sometimes I refuse, and exercise my right to be childish and 'fish-wifey' and ungrateful, but He always woos me back.</span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I managed to get my cultures made for my milk products. Buttermilk, yogurt and clabber. This will allow me to make a lot of things, like cream cheese, sour cream, hard and soft cheeses and more. It always makes me happy. Having real food, fresh from the source is not only better for me because of my autoimmune problems, but it makes me feel that my life is special because few people are able to enjoy such things.</span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The pain comes and goes. Sometimes it totally envelopes me, but I honestly find that refocusing on Him helps me to see that mountain top, where the light is always shining and the darkness of the valley will be far behind me</span>. <span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">A dear friend once told me that the darkness we sometimes find ourselves in, is just the shadow of His wings. My experience is that she was right. He's always been right with me. I need only to whisper His name.</span></span><br />
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