Changed

"The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” Zeph 3:17

Pain ebbs and flows. Emotions vacillate between hope and discouragement. Time marches on, with no respect for the days that are lost.

Small accomplishments, doing the morning dishes, shaping a loaf of bread, bending down to turn on a hose, become mighty.

Plans made, lists made up then set aside, there won’t be any chores done today, not when you can’t get up or use your hands. That baby blanket you’ve been meaning to crochet has been on hold for months, it’s almost too late now.

Others pass by the window, talking, laughing, spur rowels making metallic noise along the odd stones on the driveway. The sound of hooves stepping in a trailer, a motor roars to life and you are left behind again. There won’t be anymore trips to the desert or out on the range. A tear escapes and tastes salty on my tongue. Were there really ever better days? Did I really used to ride, run, laugh, play? I am not the person I had dreamed I would be now. This was not even on my radar.

Tiny setbacks take my breath away, there is only so much I can handle. One more sick animal, one more challenge, one more difficulty, one more demand...it’s enough to send me into flight mode, but I can no longer flee.

Painfully easing myself down I hear His voice beckoning. I pick up His word and His promises remain. Peace flows over me like water and I am reminded He cares and is in complete control. He has His reasons and I don’t need to understand, just to be, in His presence. Recently someone brought up the point to me that He sings. The Bible says He rejoices over me, with singing. We won’t just be singing to Him, but we sing WITH Him. All things are with Him, if we just stop to look and listen. 

The pain begins to flare and in my minds eye I can see Him, hands nailed to rough wood, arms dislocated, body beaten to a shredded pulp. On a cross His broken form stares down at me in love and says “Join me. I will carry the load, you only need know a little of the price I paid for you, to understand my love”. Pain is diminished and purpose is born.

Gratitude takes up residence in my heart once again and I am changed by His words.

"Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and light unto my path." Psalm 119:105