Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Pain Is Not Permanent


...whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and it there is anything praiseworthy, think on these things...”
Phillipians 4:8




I woke up in the morning wracked with pain. Every joint, every muscle in agony as I went from the chair I’ve had to sleep in, to the bathroom. Heading back out, I knew I couldn’t manage the trip back to the living room. I painfully climbed into bed, but was unable to pull the blankets over me, as my hands were unusable. Randy, seeing my plight, tossed them over me on his way out in the morning.

An hour or so later I ventured to get up again. Only slightly stronger, I shuffled to the kitchen for coffee unable to cope with the painful sensation of my feet rising and falling on the floor. As snowflakes fall silently outside the window I sip my coffee and appreciate the heat radiating from my cup to my aching hands. This is not the life I bargained for.

If I look in the mirror, I won’t recognize the woman looking back at me. The puffy, overweight, lumbering mess isn’t the quick moving, athletic over achiever I have always been. These aren’t my hands, puffy, swollen, stiff with papery skin. Those aren’t my clothes in the closet, they are made for someone larger. I don’t want to see anyone, and I don’t want to be seen. I drown in misery, tears falling freely. 


Agitated, I pick up my Bible and start to read. I’m graciously reminded that I didn’t ‘bargain’ for anything. My life is a gift, both the the triumphs on the mountain peaks and the darkest places in the valleys. The journey I have been on is my own, but I am not alone. There are many who take it with me, some competing against me, others cheering me on, and yet others who just share the joys and pains of this place on the path, this space in my life. But there is also One who has walked alongside me the entire way. He’s been this way before and knows the pitfalls and dangers I will face, someone who has been to far more painful depths and knows also the ultimate heights of joy. He doesn’t always carry me, but usually lets me choose my own way, sometimes stumbling, sometimes running freely. When I fall headlong and sputter and spit dirt of failure out of my mouth, sometimes I am overcome with rage, or with sorrow. But soon I push past it and cry out for help, or simply raise my eyes and always, I find He is there, a Holy hand stretched out, ready to help me up again. This has been such a day.

One of the Maremmas pushes his head up under my elbow and gently rests his head on my leg. Often the hands and feet and heart of Jesus come to me wrapped in fur. With eyes full of concern and compassion he looks at me and touches his cold wet nose to my tear dampened cheek. I hug him and it feels better, even hurting. 
I push through the pain and this morning I am rewarded by it. The world awaits outside and there are new baby lambs, baby goats to marvel at. The miracle of life unfolds before me even as mine seems to fade. This day will get better, even if tomorrow does not. Each step of this journey brings me to a new and renewed life, one that will not be full of pain. I will see lost loved ones and best of all I will see HIM face to face. I can do this. I’m not the first, but I am also not the weakest. I can do this. I can keep walking until I too, reach Home.

There is much I can do. Milk to process, cheese to make. It will take some effort but it will be worth it. I have to keep trying and pushing forward.

The sun is breaking through the clouds even now and I can see my way and I am strengthened. I know who I am, because I know who He is. For now, that is enough.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness”. -2 Cor 12:9


10 comments:

  1. When I was way too young to be so proud I went swimming without permission in a small lake we were fishing. I didn’t have the stamina to make it back. My defiance was secret but I forgot that and cried out. Douglas up early to relieve himself, heard, and swam for me in his briefs. I often think of that moment. What if Dug would have heard my cries and ignored me? D-san says he often cried out angrily. Dug swam out for me and God came to D often. Why? Love! It’s natural for us to despair in pain. Job said, “The pain that gnaws me never stops…God twists my clothes out of shape…I am no better than dirt.” But somewhere else he cries, “He will fulfill what He has planned for me.” Or “I will see God with my own eyes and he will not be a stranger.” Jesus our Lord hears you Petey, even in your despair. Fear not! You give us courage to face the little foes vexing us by watching how you face huge ones. Keep your faith. Keep your joy. Keep your sense of humor. He hears you. X

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  2. Thank you X. You are so often the encourager, His hands, feet and words. I cannot thank you enough for the ongoing conversation that is fellowship in God. Love to the family

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  3. Dear Sweet Petey if only I could help to ease your pain. I am a big believer in the healing power of tears and hugs. It seems you darling dogs are also. I will pray that the good days outnumber the bad. And send gentle hugs.... {hugs}.

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    1. Thanks Carol Dee. I feel He uses my dogs to bring comfort. If He can speak thru an ass, surely He can love through a dog. The good days must outnumber the bad, because its all about perspective, I think. And each day passing, is a day closer to the goal.

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  4. It’s natural for man to despair when in pain. Job cried out…the pain that gnaws me never stops…He twists my clothes out of shape…I am no better than dirt… But in another place he affirms, He will fulfill what he has planned for me, or…I know there is someone who will come to my defense…even after my body is eaten by disease I will see God…with my own eyes… My brother’s short song ends with, “I expect you to rescue me again.” If we cried out for help and someone who loves us was near, how tragic it would be if they ignored our cries. God hears us even before we cry out, and He cannot ignore us. He listens for your words, Petey. He hears. And we, we are compelled to watch your struggle and take heart from your words. Keep your faith! Keep your joy! Keep your sense of humor! It may be that is all someone has to hold on to. He hears you! X-spurt

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  5. I'm so envious of the life you and your husband live. If I could be there to help you through the difficult days I would. You have so much to teach and show me. I feel like you're my mentor.

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    1. It's an amazing life here. Thank you so much for the sentiment, I often long for someone to step in and lighten the load. I think I would make a better 'tormentor' than 'mentor' LOL

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  6. You said "I know who I am, because I know who HE is"....amen to that.
    Praying for more sun breaking through your clouds. God bless you Kim.
    Kristi

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  7. Enjoyed reading through your blog (s). What a coincidence that I found it when I was home suffering from a flu-like virus as I could feel your pain (and fatigue) when reading what it was like to have an autoimmune disease. I can't imagine how "old" that could get! I'm glad to hear your tumeric helps (I went straight to my cupboard and took some myself!). Looking forward to keeping up with your blogs as I find them very interesting and enjoy the beautiful scenery!!!

    Thanks for sharing your website on the HT site :)

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    1. It's nice to meet you Kelly! I hope you kick that virus soon!

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