Sunday, March 3, 2013

Of Agony and Ecstasy


“For His anger is but for a moment, but His favor is for life. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning” psalm 30:5

Mornings aren’t really my best time of day, but I can sometimes tell if the pain has lessened when I first wake up. It’s just typical of this disease to be unusually stiff and swollen on waking. I hate to get up as it hurts to use my body but that is what it takes to get the swelling to go down and relieve some of the pressure.

It was a roller coaster of a week. The weather was up and down which played havoc with my autoimmune issues, sometimes causing intense pain. One day I would be totally disabled, the next, moderately functional. I’m grateful that the better days coincided with the days Annie and the sheep decided to lamb. It enabled me to be there in case they had trouble and to iodine the navels of the newborns to prevent bacteria from traveling up the cord and causing joint or navel ill which can be fatal. The highlight of my days is to watch the babies skipping and jumping and crawling all over their mamas.

Thursday evening I intensely wanted to ride my horse, because Randyman finally fixed a gate so I could actually open and close it by myself. It's been close to 8 months since I've been able to do what I once spent a lifetime doing all day and loving every minute of it. I had a dream job. 

I awoke Friday morning with less pain, but more weakness and fatigue. I decided to drag myself out and bring Mister in anyway, even if just to brush him. I needed to be around him. 

I was able to groom him without much trouble and took him out back into the sheep pasture with a longe line as it was the least slippery spot I could find. He ran and bucked and jumped and played, slipped and scooted around. Not bad for an old man. I was glad I hadn’t been up to saddling up and riding him because with my balance issues now, it would have been another disaster. The Maremma pups showed up. They laid down where they could still see the lambs but kept a penetrating eye on Mister, challenging him to dare try doing anything they perceived might endanger me. I figured it would take a few days to work the kinks out of my old horse, but didn’t mind as long as I could be in his company. I took him back to the corral and brushed him down good and returned him to his pasture. 

I got back to the house energized and ready to do things. I honestly think the smell of horse sweat must be like crack. I felt better than I have felt in a year. I cleaned house, pruned fruit trees, covered garlic and strawberry plants to protect from the chickens, made sour cream and clabber and put on a leg of lamb for dinner. I still had energy to go play with the lambs and was even able to do dishes that evening. All day my face hurt from smiling, it was so great to feel good again. All day I was joyfully thanking God for the experience.

The next morning I felt tired again, but the pain levels were surprisingly way down still. I assumed I would 'pay' for overdoing it and I went to get Mister and he was moving slowly and stiffly, like myself. I laughed and agreed with him that getting old really does suck. I put him on a line and he had no inclination of bucking, running or even moving. (bwahahahaha!) Deciding it was best for him as well as for me to stretch out the sore muscles, I rode him for about an hour in the corral, mostly walking, just working on lateral movements, foot placement and verbal cues. It felt so good.

Now this morning, the pain is back in full force along with another storm. But I had two fabulous days and I know that more are coming my way. Maybe even tomorrow.

There are a thousand things I used to do daily, that I took for granted. Now they are precious rarities. But when I could take them for granted, I often found myself discontent and dissatisfied because of OTHER things I could not do. Always reaching, always wanting more, I set myself up for a great deal of disappointment and strife. If my condition has brought me suffering, it has also brought me clarity. In the book of Philippians 4:11, Paul said “...I have learned in whatever state I am in, to be content...”
Contentedness is not something that happens to us, but something we LEARN. It is often in the fire of affliction that our eyes are opened to what actually surrounds us and is provided for us and we learn to be grateful. A grateful heart is a happy heart because gratitude and discontent cannot occupy the same space.

There are so many examples of people who have walked through this world missing much of the joy of life until they, ie: survived cancer, had an accident, lost a loved one...went into the refiner’s fire and had a epiphany of some kind. After they suffered the pain and loss their eyes were opened to the world around them and the many wonders it contains. Sadly, we don't always chose to let this be the result of our trials, but God's purpose is always redemptive and He does bring beauty out of the ashes.

This disease I would give up in a minute, but the lessons I have learned and the awareness it has brought to me, the depth of life, the awareness of colors, smell, textures, beauty, wonder...never. 
And there will be more glorious days. 
The simple things have become priceless and no longer to be disregarded or taken for granted. All of life, even the difficult side, is richer.

So, for that, I am grateful.



“I come that they may have life,and that they may have it more abundantly”

16 comments:

  1. Hi Petey. Its me Rosebud. I was so glad to read that you had some good, painfree time. I could almost see you smiling. I sat here and let the tears come. You needed that. We need to enjoy those moments to their fullest. I'll pray for a few more of them for you. Thank you for a wonderful blog. Its always a pleasure to read yours. I look forward to them more than you can possibly know. Have a good evening.

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  2. Rosebud, it was amazing. I was like a kid in a candy store, or at Disneyland. Thank you always, for your prayers. I pray your daughter finds some relief as well. This is a tough disease to contend with as it robs people of their hope, but if we can keep our eyes on Him, it will carry us through. At least that has been my own experience. God bless you and thank you for taking the time to comment

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  3. D and I discussed the theme of this blog and the lessons it teaches, so this a joint comment. Only one man lived a truly Christian life and you know his name. Jesus. It feels so great when He first finds us and we think it's never going to end and then we stumble or fall and we can't do it. Acts is titled the Acts of the Apostles but Luke meant it to be the Acts of Jesus through the Apostles. You know what Petey. We're the only glimpse of Jesus some people are ever going meet in this world...or at least the first. We're glad to see Him clearly in you. d and X

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    1. Man I sure would love to be in on those discussions. I learn a lot from you guys and the reflection coming from your direction is just as strong. Thanks again and look forward to talking to ya soon! BTW...I think I really need a new headstall. Poor little Mister has all that tail wrapped up by his eye.

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    2. Good morning Petey, I wanted to mention to you that the site you gave me for the turmeric capsules was appreciated, however I tried to order, but they won't ship to Canada. Thank you anyways. How are you feeling today? The weather really can play havoc with the aches and pains. I find its worse for my daughter when the humidity is high. Do you have a problem with that? Is it very humid where you are? I hope you have a terrific day. Hug those animals for me. -Rosebud.

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    3. I'm sorry they don't ship. I'm sure there are others who do. The humidity (barometric pressure) is a HUGE trigger for pain. I live on the high desert and we have very little humidity, but when the clouds go over, or a storm moves in, I can go from a pain level of 2 to one of 8 in a space of only minutes. It's strange how it affects us. I often wonder if I still did SCUBA if it would give me comfort, as it used to really help my low back after I broke it. It is wet down there, of course, but for every 30 feet down you go, there is another atmosphere of pressure. I can only guess that the bends are somehow related to similar pain in extreme flares of Ra. Maybe a hyperbaric chamber would help :) The good news is, the reverse is also true. Yesterday I went from pain level 8 to 2 in 15 minutes as the clouds left and my day was redeemed. I pray your daughter finds some relief when the weather eases. -Petey/Kim

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  4. Hi Petey,
    I love reading both your blogs. This one was very inspirational. I also love the smell of anything to do with horses. I used to sit in the box stalls of my local stables on a bale to do my homework.

    Have you tried low dose naltrexone for your RA? Have heard of some people having success with it. I have fibromyalgia and it helps with that.

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    1. No, that is one they have not put me on. I have Fibro as well, along with the Ra and Psa and Reynauds. I'm sure they will make up another dread disease before my next appointment and label me with that one too! LOL It's so nice to 'meet' you. I love to hear from the people who read. Having very little human contact here, it's nice to meet folks with similar interests. They should bottle the smell of a stable, but they could never truly capture the ambiance.

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    2. Holy Crow! I didn't know you broke your back. I can't believe your strength. I am so glad to hear that you went from a 8-2 in just minutes. I can only imagine how nice it must've been for you. Those are the times you get busy living. I will keep a good thought for you my friend. -Rosebud/Patricia.

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    3. It's old news. It was in 1989. It wasn't a snap in two break. I had a wreck while showing a jumping horse and got 6 compression fractures and blew out 3 discs. It took 9 months after surgery before I could start doing things like carrying pots and pans full of water or opening doorknobs all the way, but as soon as I could lift a saddle I started riding again and it did a fantastic job of rehabilitating me. I got another 15 years of horse training out of it before the Ra and fibro manifested themselves.

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  5. Yeah Petey. I was thrilled to hear you where able to spend some time on Mr. I have always heard that horseback riding is good therapy for balance issues. They even have stables around here that cater to special needs children. A wonderful program. Big hugs for you and a sugar cube to Mr. :)

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    1. I actually founded a NARHA center that did Equine Assisted Therapy for Special Needs children and adults, when we lived in Tehachapi. I loved it, and it was so fun working with the kids and seeing their progress. I have always ridden and always trained and at the time I had no idea what I was doing, but after I finished all the certification classes for NARHA I was able to look back and go "Wow. This doesn't just work for these kids, it worked for ME"

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    2. Just another reason I am proud to call you a friend. :) Great work. Great program. (You are AMAZING!) Big hugs... CAROL DEE

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  6. Petey, as I was reading your reply to Rosebud, you mentioned, "keep our eyes on Him". I was reminded of this just last week. That I need to keep my eyes on Him, and in my case, let Him worry about everyone else. Or another way to say it would be, "mind my own business!" :) You also mention Pauls contentment. How could we not be content if our eyes are truly focussed on Him alone? It's when we put our eyes on ourselves, or on others that we lose sight of the pure love and joy that is ours to have every day. I'm glad you found that speacial joy this past week. Be blessed, Staci

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    1. It is when we take our eyes off of Him that I find life just too overwhelming and frightening. If I could keep my eyes fixed I know those fears and miseries would diminish to the point they no longer bother me. I wish I could remember all the time, but I keep catching myself looking at the news or the world or my life.

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  7. Hi, petey! I've said it before: you are such an inspiration to me, as well as to many others, I'm sure. I didn't know what your "affliction" was from reading your AR blog, but now that I've read about it here, I'm even more in awe! My COPD pales in comparison! I'm keeping this blog handy, so I can read it when I get frustrated & feel "gypped" out of my "retirement years". I have 1/2 acre where I had my horse (a paint like Mister!), 5 dogs, and 2 cats & several birds since 1991. All have died of old age except me (sandi-65) & a parrot (scooter-38). I find it hard to keep up with everything & didn't even do a garden this past year (2013) because I get so out of breath. I gave up & watched TV in the air conditioned house. I'm now so ashamed, and vow to do a LOT more than I have been doing, thanks to you. My "tips" for dealing with my handicap are: sitting at the counter on a stool while preparing foods & baking (cutting up stuff even makes me short of breath!) and using an electric burner & frying pan at times, so I can stay in one place. My toaster oven & microwave are within easy reach of my kitchen "command center", too. I also order what I can on line - groceries from Walmart, mainly. This makes it easier than having to carry in so much stuff after shopping. Now I just need to go for fresh meats, produce & dairy about once a month, a huge energy-saver for me. I wish you had this convenience, but I doubt Fed-Ex goes that far out of town...I just found this blog today (1/28/14) looking for what happened to Potamus & the trap, but haven't found that. I'm really glad I found this entry, though! You are a fantastic writer and I'm going to go back and read all of your blogs in order, like a book. (Yours is more interesting than any I've tried lately!) Thanks for your insights - I hope I can become more like you. Sincerely, "scootersandi from AllRecipes"

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