Saturday, January 26, 2013

To The Mountaintop



"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep." (Romans 12:15)

Having spent most of my life as sort of an athlete, who put in 10-12+ hours a day at a job I loved, starting colts and training show horses, I understand the difficulties of accepting limitations put on us by disabling disease. It’s hard sometimes, to understand why I can no longer do the things I previously did without effort or thought. I have ranted, raved and shed tears, like most of us who suffer from similar maladies. There comes a time when I feel rage and bitterness fill me, often followed by hopelessness, but because I  have a relationship with my Savior, I find myself always moving back to acceptance and even joy. He always brings light to the darkest places, even when that  place is my heart.

This blog is different from the others I publish. This is about my journey with pain and disappointment and hopefully, the impact faith has on it. I shall be brutally honest with my feelings as this is as much a therapy for me as anything else it may accomplish. I hope that others who are walking this same path will join up with me that we might walk it together, as it's always nice to have someone who can understand your trials.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

So far, to date, I have been diagnosed with Rheumatoid Autoimmune Disease, Psoriatic Arthritis and Fibromyalgia. I never saw this coming. It seems like one day I was on top of the world, all my horses were winning,  my barn was always full and I had energy to spare so I could enjoy my family, my friends, my garden and my home, which was my dream home. The next thing I knew, everything had pretty much turned around. I was in pain, weak, suffering from balance challenges, and life as a whole got ugly. There was a rift in the family that still leaves me feeling as if part of me was amputated, and we lost our home. I have gone from riding 10 hours a day to maybe riding 10 days a year. But God...those two words define my life. But. God. As in " -But. God.-meant it for good." (Gen 50:20)

"But. God." brought us to this ranch. When I can ride, it is a million times more enjoyable than any riding I ever did before. We are in a new season of life, just me and Randyman and got the opportunity to learn more about one another, since when we married we were an instant family with 4 children and things did not all go smoothly. The disease has limited my past activities and encouraged me to learn new skills, so now, instead of cleaning stalls and saddling horses, I am growing our food, making everything from scratch, making soap, learning to sew and taking the opportunities presented to me as I choose. The disease, though devastating, has also freed me to live a fuller life. I would love to do without it, but unfortunately, it is the only thing that would have brought me to this point. I have never known God to take away, without giving back something valuable in its place. I wish the rift in the family would heal, but even that I have to trust to His good judgement. Sometimes growth is painful.

Our friend Afif leaves today. I am saddened by this as he is a good friend and fun to have around. He has also been an enormous help and encouragement this past month, doing most of the cooking and making sure Randy has breakfast in the morning. I have been in one of the worst flares yet, all of January. I think the fact that icy roads prevented the delivery of my injection until a week late, triggered it. 

Today the sun is shining, but I awoke with terrible pain in my back from an altercation with EmmaLouMoo last night while milking, and my feet are terribly swollen and painful, like they used to be 2 years ago before the Simpone injections. I feel the pain moving into my wrists, even now and the fatigue is once again taking over. It comes over me like a cloud covering the sun, suddenly and completely. It’s all I can do to sit up. I will have to return to this later.

I used to accomplish so very much with every day. I could never sit still. Now, I have no choice. I spend the greater portion of every day sitting, on the computer, because I don’t have the strength to do the things I really want to. I miss riding everyday. I miss training colts. I miss following the boss’ kids out across the range and following cattle all day. Being confined to the house is torture. But I have my horses still, so when I am able, I will ride. Even if its just a little ways. I have my sheeple and chickens, and my milk cow. And of course the Polarbears and Cider. I could not do without them.  Today, somehow, I will find the strength to sterilize jars and make new mother cultures for the buttermilk, yogurt and clabber. I made a gallon of each this week so I should be good to go.
I hope I can also make some bread for the freezer (for those times I am not well enough) and render some lard. God willing.

As soon as the fatigue passes, I will try to focus on the Lord. All that I am still able to do, is His gift to me. He did not afflict me with this disease. I don’t know His purposes in allowing me to have it, but I will trust Him with it.     

Even in pain and disappointment, I have so much to be grateful for. I have also learned that gratitude and discouragement cannot inhabit the same space. Reaching for the gratitude and joy that only Christ can give me will evaporate the dark clouds in my heart, anytime I am willing to let Him. Sometimes I refuse, and exercise my right to be childish and 'fish-wifey' and ungrateful, but He always woos me back.

I managed to get my cultures made for my milk products. Buttermilk, yogurt and clabber. This will allow me to make a lot of things, like cream cheese, sour cream, hard and soft cheeses and more. It always makes me happy. Having real food, fresh from the source is not only better for me because of my autoimmune problems, but it makes me feel that my life is special because few people are able to enjoy such things.

The pain comes and goes. Sometimes it totally envelopes me, but I honestly find that refocusing on Him helps me to see that mountain top, where the light is always shining and the darkness of the valley will be far behind me. A dear friend once told me that the darkness we sometimes find ourselves in, is just the shadow of His wings. My experience is that she was right. He's always been right with me. I need only to whisper His name.





23 comments:

  1. My brother's, Waiting for the Morning has these lines, "Though I find it grating, You will find me waiting, for the Morning Star I know is not that far." I have no idea what it's like to wait like that. I'm a disciple and fall asleep within the hour. I think I'm courageous because I cut someone's ear off, when He only wants me to wait with Him. I spend too much time waitng for Him and not with Him. I can only pray for all the children in the dark we call desease. Love, X-guy

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    1. "I spend too much time waiting for Him and not with Him." Oh boy, you hit the nail on the head! I too, am guilty of that...just waiting for rescue, not seeing that even His own heart breaks at the sight of a fallen world. There are so many things that can break someone. I don't think the world lacks for tears. We all need Him, especially those of us who don't realize it. Chronic pain is just a bridge I know personally, that helps keep me connected to Him.

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    2. X-Guy, Your comment sure hit home with me!"I'm a disciple and fall asleep within the hour. I spend too much time waiting for Him and not with Him" This really spoke to me as I am so guilty of that! Even though I know He is always with me, sometimes I think I choose to think I can walk alone! I always lose my way and stumble when I lose sight of Him. Thank you for putting this out there for all of us! I think some of us are too much like Peter and take our eyes off Him now and then and He has to remind us who we belong to!!!
      Ginny

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  2. Dearest Petey, you are one of God's precious children. He is with you always and is using you in ways you will never know. I am so thankful I stumbled upon your blog *Range to Range* and now here. You have such an ability with words. It has been suggested by others and I 2nd it... You MUST write a book! :) In friendship and love I am sending a BIG warm hug... CAROL DEE

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    1. Thanks Carol Dee. I appreciate the good wishes :)

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  3. Petey, thanks for sharing the the richness of your life and the satisfaction you have in living every day. Even though your body is wracked with pain, you still manage to keep your eyes on the prize, and in the process, encourage lots of people you've never even met. Blessings on you as you journey toward wholeness in the Lord.

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  4. ThanksBiBi. It's always so good to share with other folks who already know Him!

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  5. I cannot sympathize with knowledge of your physical pain because I don't really know that pain, but I can of the family rift. That pain is the most invasive and destructive if we allow it to fester in our hearts. Setting it free is all we can do. I'm glad you have found your way to do this through your beliefs. Thank you for sharing your story.

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    1. I agree, emotional pain is far more deadly than physical pain. I guess that is why the Bible says "fear not those who can kill the body but not the soul". There is an end to ALL this pain and that makes it so much easier to live with!

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  6. Petey, I believe this blog is not only a ministry to those who suffer with debilitating pain, but to those like myself who have not experienced those particular dark valleys. Thanks for baring your soul to us and showing us our Saviors mercy and grace. Phillipians 4:11 - 13.

    Kristi

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    1. Thank you Kristi. Paul did express it well in how he described the contentment that results, even in the worst of circumstances. It's hard to help people who have not experienced Him to understand what that is like, but I guess we can try and show em what it looks like.

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  7. stumbled across your blog through several rabbit trails. I am so sorry to hear of your chronic pain.

    I just recently have finally experienced relief from autoimmune pain by addressing food allergies and beginning healing supplements with my naturopath and my sister's encouragement. I too am an avid baker and cook, so learning to bake and cook in new ways is an adventure!

    may I recommend the following article to consider? http://www.thepaleomom.com/2012/05/modifying-paleo-for-autoimmune.html
    this is an excellent summary of the connection between nutrition and immune response.

    praying for peace and healing for you! may your journey to health be filled with joy--even through tears.

    Heather

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    1. It's nice to meet you Heather. Thanks for stopping in and thanks for the links

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  8. Kim, I have said this before about your blogs.. If I am down in the valley i know that i will always have Gods word to lean on, but also reading one of your blogs is so uplifting... Thank you for the words that you allow anyone to read. Keep them coming...

    Babs

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  9. Thank-you for being one of the Lord's 'kids' and for being obedient to His promtings! I love you dearly and value our frienship.
    Cheri

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  10. petey, My sister sent me your link. You and I are walking similar paths; not sure how long you have walked this one but I have been walking mine for about 4 years now. My family rift very nearly killed me causing the fibro to flare to an all time high that lasted about 3 years of constant pain, fatigue, sleep deprivation and the rest that goes with it. I too went from a vibrant and active woman to one who must rest more often than do the projects I so love to do. I too had to give up the most precious job I ever wanted; being a wife to a man I loved. Rejected and abandoned. It took me a while to realize that I knew now what the Lord felt when his beloved people rejected Him! These past 4 years have been a climb out of the valley up the mountain. Psalm 23 has been my life line; the Lord has given me the vision of Him at my back with His rod and staff. Whispering lovingly to not look down but look forward. It is very dark with the only light the light of His love a circle just around us as we walk this very narrow path very slowly up the mountain. (Perfect since I am horrified of heights!) We are getting towards the top now, there is way more light now! Although these past two weeks we've dipped into another valley; depression and pain have revisited but I am in a better place to reach out and I know what to do...I'm stronger! The Lord won't let me go too fast because He says I will miss too much that I have to learn. I argue that I am 61 I don't have much time:). He laughs...a deep belly laugh. We have an eternity. I mean here on earth...He looks at me and smiles. I guess the future is His to know and mine to wait. I hope sharing this vision helps strengthen yours because yours sure helped me!

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  11. UCnNC, thanks so much for sharing. It's amazing how fragile our bodies can be but how we are so intricately knit to our psyche and souls. It's such a boon and a help to have the one who knit us together there to shepherd us through. I am so sorry for the hurt you have experienced, but I've learned its often in the deepest part of our pain that His light shines strongest. I pray you will feel Him nearer and nearer each day.

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    1. Thank you! Prayer from a Sister is always appreciated; I pray for you as well. Lord, I lift up Petey right now. Take her in your arms and let her feel your heart beat between her shoulder blades and your breath near her left ear as she walks today. Whisper your love for her so that she is at peace and feels strength. Give her faith that is stronger than her fears. Keep your arms around her to guide and protect her. But most of all love on her all day providing the warmth that comes from deep within and radiates outward. It heals so well, Lord Jesus. I ask this in your precious name. Amen.

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    2. Thank you so much for you prayer. It meant the world to me today and I really feel connected. That is saying a lot for someone who is as isolated as I am. Not that I mind much, because there are not so many distractions for me here. God bless you

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  12. Beautiful as always Petey! This is really inspiring, there is a big lessons of life in every word that I have just read.
    Please keep the blogs coming - I'm anxious to keep reading!
    Best wishes from México.

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    1. Thanks so much. It means a great deal to receive your comment. I enjoy your family so much and you have all brought a great deal to my life with your friendship. You guys just cannot know how much He has used you in my life and I am sure in many, many others.

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