"Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him For the help of his countenance" Psalm 42:5
It’s been a very long time since I updated here. It’s been a difficult year as infusions were not working and I have had yet another change in medications trying to get the pain and encroaching damage under control. The good news is, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of widespread permanent damage accompanying the pain so far.
This week I went to the hospital for an MRI on my right leg, which has been painfully swollen for almost a month now. We spent the night because I have to see rheumatologist again and it turns out I need another joint replacement. I will lose yet another year recovering, trying to gain back the little ground I have made.
Depression is part and parcel of this disease and it is very difficult to fend off, considering the limitations set upon the lives of those who have it. It’s a lifelong process of grieving what feels much like a death, the death of who I was, and trying to come to terms with who I am now, which, at least in my case, is not someone I ever chose to be. It feels like I am constantly being knocked down. Sometimes the blows are paralyzing and I am not sure I even want to try. TheMan does what he is able to help me but it takes its toll on him as well.
I don’t know how others cope. As for me, the only thing I can do, the only strength I have, is to hold onto He who loves me most and will walk me through this, as the decision to allow this disease to devastate my life had to pass through His hands first. I know Him well enough to know without a doubt, He will allow nothing to happen to me that isn’t for my own good. If not in this life, than in the next, when I finally see Him face to face and there are no more distractions and no more obstacles to prevent me from feeling His awesome, overwhelming and complete love.
I look forward to that day and as I see the world around me systematically being destroyed, our Constitution shredded, our economy collapsing, pornography and immorality touted as a god in every conceivable medium and radical Muslim factions setting the world aflame with a President who cares only about himself, his own desires and has no compassion or empathy for either the American people or those who have been brutally slain on his watch, too often as a result of his own incompetency. It’s hard to be hopeful without a leader in the nation’s capital.
I can only lift my hands and pray “Come quickly!” and yet, I know my own time, my own anxiety and my own minute suffering is not yet over, but because of Him, I am not inconsolable.
"I will restore to you the years that the locusts have eaten" Joel 2:25